I HEAR you!

I keep marveling some at the amount of change I have absorbed again since December.....having had to embrace so much change in the last couple of years, but the last months really amplifying so much of so much.....and I had a big epiphany come and find me last night before I fell asleep.....a recent stark realization I have arrived at, had been circling round for the last couple of years.....my arriving at the same spot several times before I did the last time.....but not wanting to see what I was seeing, or listen to what my intuition was so wisely sharing....choosing to believe another version. And each time the realization presented itself....the depth of it grew deeper, until it was so deep and loud it could no longer be passed by, ignored, overlooked, or forgotten....and part of it is needing to have a thing take root within you....you can fake the being ready to accept something that you don't want to....but really till you are ready, it is what it is.....plain and simple.....and this is how this was.....I had to be ready to accept that what my intuition was speaking to me was real and how it is, even though I had wanted it to not be true.....and it made me realize that that is something I do.....I feel something or know something and then if it is something I want to shower the benefit of the doubt on I will, and I will push it aside or ignore it some, ugh;-)....and I suppose this new chapter will be about tempering that some.....because I will forever believe in chances, and the benefit of the doubt always.....but if you are shown that a person is a certain way....or a situation is.......over and over......well........so when the awareness visited me that right where I am, I have been before again and again......it made me realize that balance has to find that part of me....the one that offers grace, and understanding....and all of the rest....and I need to LISTEN to that voice that tells me the truth.......that voice is spot on and really has been for a long time.....long before my divorce.....but I sometimes need to do it my way.....so I guess what felt profound in all of it last night, that was different than the other times I have realized this about me, was realizing that each time this awareness visited me, it got deeper.....more layers being peeled back for me....more understanding within myself of the parts of me that need to change to have this theme be banished for good.....and so much of life is like that.....the universe comes whispering at first.....sharing a truth.....and if we don't listen the volume gets turned up.....to the point where it can no longer be ignored, ringing in our ears.....and maybe with this last go round of it.....it sorta felt like I had my fingers in my ears.....focusing on what I wanted to be true.....or the things that were present that I thought could fix the rest.....I think.....like not wanting to face the rest.....so to the reader it may not seem like much.....or maybe as if I have realized this before if you have been reading for awhile, but there was for sure a new layer of understanding that has found me about all of this, trust me:) And what I have recently faced has been a big deal for me....in so many ways....for lots of reasons.....and reasons that have spanned decades........and I am proud of finally listening to myself....and not looking away......but forcing myself to look at the truth.....and the truth will set you free....that is true for a reason:) So my new promise to myself as I carry on, will not rush being ready....to absorb a truth....still taking my time and letting it all settle in....but I will learn to listen to myself and heed my intuitive nudges sooner....that is all growing deeper as I move along, and sharper and I need to honor it no matter what else exists....and I keep taking a stab at explaining this in more detail.......and explain the last couple of months well.....and maybe I will get there as the year continues on.....and working to explain all I have experienced within in the last two months even.....is hard to fully articulate....but suffice to say that the work I have done, the things I have faced, the courage I have shown, is beginning to settle and show me the way forward and the benefit of it all, and that feels amazing.....feeling like I am now on the other side of the big part and settling into the aftermath:) Growth really does feel so good if we can get there and out of our own way.....and that is my goal each day to remove the parts of me that prevent me from going where I want to or doing the things I want to:) Bit by bit:) Day by day.....with a ton of willingness in tow, willingness will take you everywhere you want to be, amen:)