Feral......

I celebrated this year, boldly....and proudly, not making apologies for celebrating my 5 year mark on my own.....and it is a cause for celebration for so many reasons, of that there is no question.....I have fully acclimated to being on my own.....adapting......I often liken it to going from a domesticated cat to a feral one.....and there is certainly a place in me that feels a bit feral these days ;-) And it suits me, I embrace my wild.....because an independent spirit has lived within me always.....I cannot remember a time actually, when I did not feel fiercely independent....relying on myself to handle my business most of my life, and I have written many times about the double edged sword that that is......one part of me loving that independence......feeling safe in my life as a result of it.....and the other longing to be cared for......in a beautiful way......in a way I can trust and lean into......and for whatever reason that has not been my experience.....YET;-) But this storm has dredged up some of that for me.....realizing how long it has been since I have felt cared for......remembering once upon a time, and knowing my ex would have been on all of this storm prep......likely over preparing us......but in hindsight that being one of the most solid things about him....a place I could totally count on......when I got home from the hospital after our daughter was born, he had our bedroom all set up in the best way, diapers, clothes all of it, so that I did not have to move too far.....after having a c-section......our shower being one you can step into....and it was done with such a thoughtfulness, and well now that shower is mine.....and that room long since repainted....and redone, and taking on a single gal vibe;-)......and the responsibility of prepping for my life, my own........and today finds me begging off of a family function out of town, to opt for storm prep......because well I need to......I went and got gas for my blower, and picked up my groceries, last night after work.....this morning finds me taking the garbage in this cold and organizing my garage some yikes! And then loading my garage with wood......in the event we lose power.....I plan on cooking today, and preparing food I can heat up by the fire if need be.....blankets, batteries, and the tub filled with water will also be in my plan.....and ultimately there is a part of me that believes if I over prepare, that that will be best case scenario for us not losing power, amen:) I do have a generator....but not a clue as to use it.....yet:) And that is OK.....I am offering myself some grace....there are SO many new skills I have acquired in these past 5 years....and I do my best.....and I plan on learning that next.....and my kids feel safe with me.....I remember a few days after he left, and we lost heat.....the boiler went out....and they panicked....immediately feeling like they needed their dad.....and now they don't.....they have seen their mother handle it, in a million different ways, for years now....and they feel perfectly safe......and as this storm finds us...... that feels like something....in lots of ways I have become their mom and dad.....being the one in their day to day....and I want them to feel safe....and cared for.....and like they can trust me no matter what we face.....and so in my mind there is never room for any of us to feel doubt, myself included....so that is how it stands most days, and my boy's birthday is tomorrow! :)So I am making his birthday dinner today, and making a cake, and we will have it tomorrow.....and when we don't lose power, I will be so far ahead of the game!:) This life is NOT easy.....that cannot be overstated, like so completely.....being on my own all this time has both made me feel so extremely powerful, and capable.....but also so solitary.....but ironically NEVER lonely, my not even looking for somebody to help anymore......just in the mirror lol:) And there is all the help I need every day:) I do my best not to put my circumstance off on anybody else either...I know my parents are there, but this is not their responsibility either.....my life, so I use discernment with them, only asking for support when I absolutely need it.....I trust that everything will work out, however it goes.....they offered to have us come to their place....but then I have to come back here and face all the snow etc at some point.....so I may as well hunker down......best case is I get some time off to read, write, cozy in, and enjoy my kids.....and snow blow at some point with 1 degree weather lol:) But even with that in mind, I am so grateful to not have to shovel....what a massive blessing.....so I say none of this to lament, or complain, truly......just to let it breathe, give it a voice.......and I say it all the time, I am infinitely blessed, that is true.....and I am so fully aware of all of the blessings that live in my life.....and all this prep opened up a remembering is all.....a remembering of the times in my life when I felt the presence of a team in facing a challenge.....and realizing that if it will be, it is totally up to me now.....and the responsibility of caring for my children and making them feel safe is of my upmost responsibility every day.....I am grateful for a strong mind, and body to face this life too each day, my training the way I have for the last couple of years being no accident......an absolute necessity to live THIS life........and I also am meeting a lady this morning to check out a venue for an event I am hatching! Squeezing that in before the snow flies......so this morning, my wish for you, as this storm finds so many of us.......is that you trust in yourself so deeply....and know that things are always working out for you, they really are..........and if you are a single mama, preparing to hunker down with your brood, I see you a little extra....and just know you got this, WE got this:) and you can do hard things, no matter what that means:) Stay safe and cozy y'all xoxox