Living a lie.......

Loving yourself means being brutally honest with yourself, and that is what this blog is about today, so fully......and the truth will set you free, no doubt, even if it leaves a scar in its wake, but that is the beauty of life, a tapestry of all the stories we have ever lived together, woven together with life lessons, and wisdom. And living a lie is an exhausting way to live.....maybe even more so, the one where you lie to yourself about it all.....and I know with such a quiet certainty, I won't ever live a lie again in this life.....this last "relationship" I had, has cured me, fully......it is so amazing to me, how when truth and clarity arrive it seems so obvious.....like seeing him so fully for who he really is, was RIGHT there all along, and I was blind to it.....seeing him as who I thought he was, but it was all a lie......he lives his life like that.....instead of doing the real work to live a life that he can be proud of......all false rhetoric, and manipulation, exploiting people's weaknesses and wounds for his benefit......it is really sad and shocking some.......when I think of the things he told me, and shared, it was all a lie......some projection too....but mostly just a fabrication of his ego......spinning tales to keep me hooked......keeping me believing.....and now it is so ugly to me in the light of day......I can't believe really that I believed so much of what I did.....and the weird part is that was the only part of my life that didn't fully feel like the new me.....I had stepped over, and past so much after my divorce, fighting to heal and get healthy....and I did! And I truly was in these past few years in SO many ways.....that was REAL, but then there he was......this part of me that I had yet to uncover, and finally and fully heal....which by the way, is the best part.....I feel like old wounds that have lived in me for so long, really closed......the closing of them palpable, like magic in the aftermath of this......and I know I won't be subjected to being attracted to somebody like him.....not ever again......his traits no longer attractive at all....and isn't that so weird??? I have thought of that with my ex husband too.......like where does attraction go? How does it form? What causes it to be so strong that it defies logic or good sense? And what keeps it alive? And where does it go, when it leaves with such force......and in such a complete way, the knowing and seeing somebody so fully for who they REALLY are.....not who they pretend to be to so many people......the truth of them.....and maybe that is what he was reacting to at the end of our time together.....my lack of willingness to go quietly into the stuff he wanted me to.....my challenging him on his stuff.......calling him out on his treatment of me......having it fall on deaf ears.......meanwhile all I was thinking is that he really did want to build a life with me......I really did.....which kind of disgusts me some this morning, I can't believe I believed in him so completely, my loyalty to him knowing no bounds.....loyalty he didn't deserve all things considered.....feeling like what we shared was so special, and feeling like he felt it too by the way he acted often, even while some of his behavior was to the contrary ....and when I found out the truth, yikes......so I was living a lie.....again......unaware of that fact.....not fully anyway......feeling pangs of it I guess, as I stepped into my empowered era.....not feeling fully authentic with his presence in my life......I own that.....a deep knowing that he wasn't the man I deserved, not after all I have gone through in my life.....but being subject to practical things....feeling like we spent SO much time building....and enjoying the things about us that I felt were a fit.....but even that now in hindsight isn't the same......I put so much effort into him and us, and having it not be reciprocated.......and it doesn't really matter in a real sense......it is all ruined in the light of who he turned out to be.......all the goodness of what I thought would always remain no matter what, shattered under the weight of his deception......deception ruins everything.....if you are reading this....please know that.....people can come back from most anything.....but deep betrayal and deception, I don't believe is one of them......so he now lives in the life lesson category.....a catalyst that was divinely placed to have me finally learn to CHOOSE ME.....and CHOOSE THIS LIFE......one that is magic, and filled with such peace and joy, no matter the storms I walk through......Ironically I haven't shed one tear about him or the end...and I have marveled some about that....and it isn't because I did not connect to us deeply, because I did.....but as I have said, the spiritual work, the therapeutic work I have done, has protected me in a way that when clarity and truth arrive.....my acceptance follows, my default, like gratitude and peace now.....and I suppose my joy in the journey protects me too.....I am in love with this story now, the story of my life:) Wanting to know what happens on the next page;-) and I suppose that is the way through the trials of our life.....riding our faith so completely, and finding joy in the journey, no matter what cards we are dealt.....resilience bolstering us....and I am ready, so completely.......... to end this year......leaving this story and chapter here in this year....my sights on 2026 and what magic, adventure, and success will be found there......and the birth of my new empowerment workshops for young girls:) Having them know their worth so fully, and not be subject to what I have endured:) And my heart will forever hold gratitude for him too......he showed me my worth, by not honoring that worth, and in a way that nothing else could. Creating a situation where I got called out, Like are you her?? Really???? And well......my answer was YES:):) I sure am.....and I will forever choose being alone over settling for somebody that doesn't treat me in the ways I deserve to be......it is so simple really.....and one more piece.....when you learn to love yourself SO well......as I finally do in this chapter, the absence of that is felt so completely.....and it becomes wildly offensive, and feels so disrespectful when you are shown a lack of love........self love is THE WAY y'all........when love finds me again, and it will.....I know that so completely too.....and I know he will be able to love me even better than I love me, and what a gift that will be.......and cheers to finally having a life that matches in every way, outside, inside, every day, in every way Amen:) Happy Tuesday! :)