Love of my life........

We all have elusive places in our lives.....or maybe not....perhaps there are people out there that have it ALL;-) whatever that means;-)......what does that mean anyway???....to have it all....sometimes I feel that way.....no lack creeping in.....I am blessed to live in a beautiful home, I have a healthy and sound body, mind, and spirit, I have healthy children, I make enough to make a nice life for us, we have full bellies:)......and I am happy and peaceful.....:) But I have learned as I connect with people we all have a spot......a cross we walk with if you will......and I have written many times about my romantic love challenges.......and I now know that it had much to do with my choices in men.....setting myself up for failure by choosing men that were not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved, due to their own crosses, and now my entire taste has changed in this recent series of events.....finding disdain in places that once held desire.......realizing so much of what I was allowing and settling for....and cringing at the realization of all of it.......and realizing I was working so hard for it all, by myself, no team in sight, just me......and that has been the trend.....I do the work.....fight for them....and it is not returned.....and there are lots of reasons for all of that.....that could be a book lol:) But suffice to say, the love of my life has yet to be determined......and sometimes, at least in this chapter, I feel like I have met the love of my life, and she is me:) Learning to love me in every way, has been life changing.....people often telling me I glow, but really it is just the love that they are seeing:) my standing in my truth, even when a person wants to rattle it, or project their own stuff my way....has been a game changer.....and while perfect I will never be.....I am lovable.....and wildly worthy.....and have been loving myself fiercely the last 5 years.....and it has been such a huge benefit to my life.....letting that love seep into every place where I was shown a lack of it.....for reasons that did not have to do with me.....I know that so clearly now.....and I don't regret the love I have given in futile places in this life.....I really don't......it was needed for the people I loved on.....I am sure pieces of it will remain with them for the remainder of their days....remembering the purity of my love for them....my willingness......the fact that the love I gave them was completely unconditional......and when I had my girl party, every one of my friends mentioned loving the lack of judgement in me, their being able to share their truth so freely with me, and my keeping their secrets, and truth, and not judging it.....my daughter says it all of the time too, and those men that I have loved would say the same.....I loved them so completely, the good and bad, and that is a rare trait......one you don't forget. Maybe ever......and I cannot take full credit for it in a real sense, factory settings and all:) But I can't wait to meet somebody like that too:) And unfortunately when the end comes rolling in with betrayal in tow, it obliterates the good in such profound and tragic ways.....but that is the work I am seeking to do.....to find a way to hold both as I walk on......finding a place to put the good times, under the weight of the horror that showed itself in the end....and that is complicated work.....love stories are personal, and when they end up tainted it is tragic.....at least in my opinion......but I am so certain now....that I will meet him......the one my heart has longed for all along......the one that will meet my effort....my commitment, my loyalty....my love......my willingness......the love of my life:) I don't think I will hold that title forever lol:) However having myself be the one holding that title for now.....has been an honor.....I sometimes marvel at the divine guidance I have received....being led to all the places that would heal, and move me forward in such important and beautiful ways....and I am so grateful......the inclinations.....so the plan is to continue to love myself fiercely.....taking such good care of her.....until I find a man that will do the same:) And then we can both do that:) xoxo Happy Friday!