I write about many things as they come up and I walk in this path......and many times it is about the fallout from the end or the places I grieve for.....or the awareness that has visited me.....but make no mistake......my life is better now.....much better in so many ways.....I always marvel at that fact......and if my marriage hadn't taken on all the water it had during his affair, and if his affair hadn't changed us in the ways that it did, perhaps I would feel differently.....but the fact remains it did.....and it caused so much stress, strain, and anxiety that this is the much better way. At least for me.....I am free of those chains......looking over my shoulder, wondering, trying to build trust, all of it....for my kids, though, my heart still breaks often....They miss him so much, they wish we could all do stuff together, they wish they lived in a home with a mom and a dad .....and I get all those things.....and when they feel that way we talk about it. They share those things with me, I validate it all for them.....No matter how much fun the three of us have, or the things we do, I am not sure that feeling will ever leave them.....and my mama heart aches for them in that......and I hope as time goes on that fades from them some.....I too will always carry the grief of the loss of our family of four.....that hole will never close fully, I know that......but even in all of that, the pain, the grief, the sadness that still comes sometimes.....I know I am so much better off....and I truly feel better than I have in years, in every single way. Not pretending or white knuckling, but an actual true and remarkable change has taken over my life. I am lighter in my life, have shed things that don't make sense to me any longer, feel younger, healthier, stronger......and it is remarkable......and sad.....but I didn't know it while I was in it.....and I wish that the absence of my marriage wasn't the thing that delivered inner peace to me....boy oh boy do I wish that......and with all that I am I wish my marriage provided that to me.....helped me find this Jenn, supported her and loved her in the ways she needed, but it just didn't.....not lately for sure, and maybe it used to, I remember such lovely days once upon a time.....but definitely not as of late.......so it becomes this complicated dance of grief and joy........of deep and challenging emotions and light and beautiful ones....this push and pull I walk, of mourning my loss as authentically as I can, but understanding the gift that it was to me....the marriage itself and the losing of it......such a strange thing to be experiencing. Hindsight is such a sweet gift.....to see things as they were, clearly, without anything around you any longer to cloud your vision.....my vision is now crystal clear......I understand that this is the path I was meant to walk, that finding myself, truly, and finally, is a part of it, I know that some of my greatest days haven't been lived yet.....I feel them calling to me.....I know that love lies ahead, romance, and perhaps finding the best relationship I have ever had....I know my kids will find their way. That they will be ok, and the life I carve out for them as we go will serve them well, as they too blaze their own trails.....I know that hope, gratitude, faith, and love, are likely the most important things in this life, and I rely heavily on them all in my day to day......I know I will grieve the loss of him and our love maybe all of my days. But I also know I will be OK, and most days better than OK:)
jperuso
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