Mom Guilt.....

It is so hard to be a mother......in some cases a father too.....but there is a very particular journey that is motherhood.....and it is complicated. The moment you give birth to your kids you take on the awesome responsibility of surrendering all of you for them.....and putting them first in your life always, firercely protecting them, and that is what we should do with our whole hearts and souls......keep our children's need at the forefront......however we are also our own people too and having our own experience here and I think striking that balance is key.....the secret to it all, because if either side gets tipped too heavy it won't work.....like getting swallowed up into motherhood, and not having anything else is not healthy, and obviously too far in the other direction......I feel there are a lot of resentful mothers out there, that don't take time for themselves and feel they have no right to any time for themselves, and I believe that isn't healthy either.....and it doesn't translate into being a happy mama.....so finding balance is really so very important......and my kids have always been one of the most important parts of my life, always........and I feel I have done a good job of keeping them at the forefront at every part of my life, and that has been exceptionally so as I transitioned into single motherhood....we are a fearsome trio, and it has been amazing to forge in our new lives so close and united...and I have been anticipating the challenge I would find when love found me again.....and here it is..... and I waited intentionally to heal myself, and my kids, and not have any other distractions in my life, and I am so glad I did....but we also cannot control the trajectory of our lives, and I don't get to decide how my story unfolds, as much as I don't get to decide my kid's journey.....I have had an absolutely magical trip, in every way.....and it felt absolutely divinely led....just beautiful magic and so so very needed for so many reasons.....but the mom guilt is deep......my kids fear my leaving them like they feel their dad did....and no matter how much I reassure them it still worries them.....trauma spot for them indeed.....and I would never ever put anybody above them, seeking balance in all things. They are my world......and I have been struggling to give myself permission to be happy too, fighting this for so long, and just wanting to be the best mother I can be to them. And there is a similar dynamic when you are married and you balance your marriage and motherhood, but dating as a single mother is very different......and I saw this up ahead and knew how complicated it would feel, and now that it is here it feels even heavier than I imagined...so I am breathing through the guilt......knowing that part of it resides in stuff that isn't real....and that with so much of all we endured, this is a transitional period for us as it unfolds, and that my kids and I both need to work through our feelings and this process......I have an open dialogue with my kids to hear their feelings and trust that it will all continue to unfold as it should......mom guilt can be suffocating and paralyzing, and far and wide, and we all need to be softer with ourselves as we navigate such an awesome and important responsibility......consciously raising other humans the very best we can. I love you Gabe and Mads and promise with my whole heart to do this the very best I can, with you both in mind xoxo