Neglect simply means to fail to care for something properly.......and being spoiled and cared for in the ways I was this past weekend made me realize the contrast, and the neglect I have experienced in my relationships......primarily the ones within my romantic relationships......I have cared for myself for a long time.....so long that I have a hard time remembering when it started.....and within my marriage I took care of many of my own needs but I neglected me too......feeling defeated some maybe in retrospect.....and apathy found me......and then after that all shattered, my efforts went into caring for me fiercely.....and loving on myself.......and doing all I could to take good care of me, and I have done a good job.....and some days it feels like enough.....caring and learning to love myself well......but having the experience I did this weekend......where another human was caring for me, and I was allowing him to, felt really amazing......and even though I loved it, and it was so appreciated, it pokes a spot in me that brings sadness....sadness at the fact that it is such a big deal for somebody to do all of that for me because of my history.....a spot of worthiness I am still trying to grasp.......setting my expectations high, and having somebody meet me there.....that is not me......I am too grateful for that stuff......but I understand the philosophy behind that......believing what you "deserve" and showing up that way, and receiving......and maybe that is what the difference was......NEW Jenn......new bar for how she is to be treated by a fella:) I guess maybe as I type this......I am feeling some grief for the woman I was once upon a time......a woman that tried so hard to be loved well.....and always fell short.....and at a certain point became neglected.....in so many ways.....I remember during the pandemic, and the early part of his affair.......I had an early but nearly melanoma skin cancer cut out of my shoulder......I had a sling and stitches......and he had no sympathy or care for it at all.....it was as if it didn't happen......and in all fairness maybe our relationship had deteriorated to a place that would have some of that make sense....but still.....and it felt so hurtful..........and so I became good a licking my own wounds.....tending to my own needs.....trying to meet them.....but there were many points at the end of my marriage, under the weight of the affiar that I felt neglected.....and it was a terrible feeling......and this weekend I felt loved deeply.....cared for......protected......considered......revered......and so much more.....and the gratitude I feel for it makes me want to weep some......because I have watched the relationships around me, the ones I admire, having those components....watching their simple and kind interactions........and often wondering why it eluded me....when I love so hard.....and again I am not perfect.....I made mistakes too.....but I am loving.....and love hard........and do my best to have the people I love feel that.....so this weekend I felt loved in the way that I love.....finally:) And just wow......what an absolute gift to my life.....:)
jperuso
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