No more scraps......I am hungry.....

We walk through this life with our "stuff" in tow.....my stuff is not the same as your stuff....but we most definitely ALL have our stuff.....and my "stuff" has been surrounding romantic relationships most of my life....and as I have been deep diving into my patterns and challenges surrounding that topic this past year.....digging into all of it even deeper, and realizing how deeply I have dove into all of it, as the year nearly wraps up, can you believe that?? Fastest year of my life for sure.....and as I have had further clarity find me surrounding all of it, I am realizing more things....... daily.....and it is freeing but also sad.....I helped at my church on Sunday.....bagging up over 145 Thanksgiving meals to feed our community, which was lovely....my kiddos and I doing it together.....but I was paired with a single dad at a station.....and we were chit chatting....and I was having some challenges over the weekend with my fireplace not drafting well.....and the house smelling like the fireplace....and so he was offering some suggestions....he seemed super handy, and knowledgeable....but it was the way he was doing it that made me realize that I have not felt "cared for" in that way for such a long time....I wouldn't even venture a guess....I have had glimmers and tiny spots.....but it made me wonder how the other half lives lol:) Like the women that have a doting partner....somebody that adores them, and cares for them so deeply and fiercely each and every day....in tune with their needs and working to meet them, or at least try......and well.....that has never been my experience......I have spent a lot of time falling all over myself to meet other people's needs, or trying to....even though the bar kept rising, or changing, and I never quite made the cut, never feeling quite good enough, while my needs disappeared amid all of that.....only to realize it wasn't me that wasn't good enough, not by a long shot.......and I have absolutely been served scraps in love for many years.....happily accepting them, telling myself they were enough....but as I sit here today that is not true.....and when that man at church was trying to help me, I felt my feral self show up.....like a stray dog that is shy of being petted, and is hand shy.....and in addition to being on my own and fiercely independent the last 5 years....I have had horrid things happen to me in the aftermath.....a deep lack of kindness, ugliness, and mean spirited stuff that I have done my best to use to fuel me not further wound me.....and there is a hardened part of me....I would be lying if I did not admit that.....The trust I have for myself and my ability to move on my own is limitless......but there are times I am shown the contrast....a moment.....that reminds me that being cared for......WELL......exists......and I am an odyssey to experience THAT kind of love and care in this life.....and learn to lower my walls.....not have to carry my sword and shield so much, and allow somebody to care for me.....and the idea of it is both scary and so compelling.....having been served scraps all of my life in love.....so yea.....I am DONE with scraps, so completely, feeling a hunger for so much more.....recognizing that I thought I had fully reached that understanding after my marriage ended...but I guess I needed a deeper lesson in that to really hammer it home.....and now the lesson is clear in every way......I know now what I seek, and I will never settle for less than that......not ever.......and I trust that if it is to be, it will find me....my feeling the pull toward that. And I won't sacrifice myself ever again for love....never.....I am worthy of the love I give....that is it....scraps no more....this chick is looking for the 5 course meal;-) Amen!