Not a waste.....

There is a bittersweet quality to hindsight......when it steps up and shows itself.....bringing its crisp clarity for you to take a look at......and as I have written about so often....my "theme" to work with in this life, is surrounding my romantic relationships.....and we all have themes....ones that play out in our lives, amid the grocery shopping, and child rearing, and dinner making:) And I suppose when we realize what they are, then the real work begins..in working with these themes.....and maybe in some cases staying stuck in them, or learning to transcend and alchemize them.....and I fight the feeling that I "wasted time" with any of the men I have loved.....letting precious years of my life pass on by, while pouring into empty spaces.....but not having the awareness at the time....and my higher mind knows better....she knows that not ONE minute of our life is wasted.....that the divine dance and music in the background is guiding us to the places we are meant to be.....each and every moment.....and each and every day....and well....the lessons, the lessons are everything....the gifts we are given for those seemingly "wasted" years.....but then my lower self thinks......what a waste of my time....and why did I spend so much time trying.....and why this and why that......never seeking to take it back....but sometimes thinking what if there was an eraser....knowing that that eraser also gives back the clarity and lessons to the void.....and not ensuring that I will be where I want to be the next time either......but the sting of hindsight is real.....like is that who they really were, yikes.....and is that how it really was......seeing it all through the lens of reality.....not the lens of love......and I only write about this today to explore it some....having navigated the hindsight waste time phenomenon more than once unfortunately.....and realizing that it is a rabbit hole that isn't worthy of my time or energy.....I know that.......and it feels good to have learned what I have needed to free myself during such a special time in my life....feeling perhaps more vibrant and alive than ever these days:).....wondering what new chapters lie ahead for me to explore and learn from......:) I am here for it!!!!.....and hindsight shows me that they were not deserving of the love I gave so honestly and freely.....and I do not say that from ego....it is just from knowing the truth of what I know lives inside of my heart:) And what I felt for them......And what I saw in them returned to me......but deserving is a trap.....what do we deserve really? Or what don't we deserve? And I like to think that I could share something that they needed at the time.....something that maybe will echo within them as they journey on too.....and I got some of what I needed too.....some.......but mostly in the form of life lessons and clarity;-) So do I feel any of it is a waste......I do not know....depends on the day lol:) Or the state of my being! But joking aside..........I do try to not think that way.....because the "all of it was a waste" story line isn't real......it really isn't.......it stems from the hurt part....the one that felt taken advantage of......the part that didn't feel honored......the part that wishes things had been different than they were......but the wiser version of me knows better.....she really does.....she has deep respect and regard for every moment.......every step......every single second that led her to this woman! And that is where she will focus her energy and time on always.....:)