Painful pleas from the past...

I have been on a cleaning out bender since school let out;-) Mads is still in school till tomorrow, so we are tethered some, and well I needed to catch up on some cleaning and organizing......and well the rain too, yikes, and it feels really good to have accomplished so much already......I got to rid myself of some stuff that was holding energy I wanted to purge.....stuff that I didn't need to hang onto anymore....releasing it all....and in my cleaning out I came across a diary of sorts that I kept during my marriage....and during stressful points during that time......and reading some of it was painful.....painful to remember some of it, and the challenges that were found there, but what struck me more was that my coping mechanisms have been there all along.....I have always somehow known what I needed to move past it all, but I just didn't quite get there in the same ways I am able to now......so it struck me that I was making moves to calm myself, and help soothe myself amid the storms.....but it also broke my heart.....I was full of fear in those entries......a low level anxiety bubbling to the surface, hidden beneath a faking it till I made it vibe.....writing what I wished to happen, but not believing it.........writing to God......pleading for him to come in and make me calm, to solve all the storms.....desperately seeking peace and soothing......and I did not achieve it.....and I have written of the wicked anxiety and panic I suffered from in my 20s, truly a plague of sorts......and then I conquered it, forcing it to release its grip on my life.....but then I lived for many years, with a simmering sort of anxiety.....not full blown.....not preventing me from functioning.....but heavy in its own right....right below the surface of my life...........worrying still...... undercover....... about the endless list of what ifs......and what nots.....and conjured up stuff......and if you have ever battled anxiety vibes, they are EXHAUSTING.....in every way....affecting your mood, your life, and all of it.....leaving you unable to be YOU! And reading the journal broke my heart....truly....the tortured energy some of the entries had......I was battling having Gabe as a young and complicated human....and challenges within my life in all directions.....seeking peace and calm in the lord, and in my faith but not finding it then.....my mom had breast cancer.....and so did my favorite aunt, and one of my favorite humans on earth....and I was pleading for them to be well, and I was blessed that my mom was restored to wellness, but my aunt later passed....and then my ex had cancer.....and I had a cancer scare.....all within a few years.....and financially we were strained......so strained.......and there was so much the Jenn of then was carrying..........and besides having deep compassion and empathy for her.....and gosh her heart......it was so faithful and pure.....and wanting everything to be OK......but it was also a POWERFUL and tangible reminder of how far I have come.....in my faith......and that today my anxiety is GONE......I no longer carry it in tangible form......or even in the low leveling bubbling form......it does not simmer inside of me any longer.......I fully trust it all.....and that fact has been challenged.....and I have been shown that my faith is real.....no longer allowing fear to rule my day......no room for such things any longer.......so these painful pleas from the past......were just that.....so painful.....but powerful reminders of so many things....so my plan today is to burn those entries in my fireplace......a symbolic release......of all of it:) Reminding myself of the gifts of today that were the prayers of yesterday, and that God is so good to me truly:) ....After my divorce I purged memorabilia that no longer needed to be here, for myself or for my kids one day.....and I took it a step further in the last week or so......ridding myself of more stuff that had to go......and everything comes and goes in its proper time.......I believe that......no need to hang onto stuff that keeps us stuck.....even from the closet.....freedom is cutting the tether.....or burning the words....the words that no longer live in your heart because you have finally found freedom from fear......a lifelong quest. And fear doesn't live here anymore:) Worrying is a waste......I now know that so fully and so completely that I will never forget again, never:) Amen! xo