This blog is on the wings of yesterday's thoughts.....I wrote a blog early on in this journey.....mourning the loss of the "four best friends".....we had a joke based on a movie, and would use the line to describe our little family.....and the grief of the "four best friends" hit hard.....like a ton of bricks........I am sharing an excerpt from it to go back some, and then write what touched down today.......reading it back gives good perspective and creates a full circle kind of feeling.....
Excerpt from "The loss of the four best friends" written on January 23, 2021......a couple weeks after he left.....
"I feel like the loss of he and I hasn't come to find me yet, because the first grief I need to face, the one that is blinking in front of me is the loss of MY little family of four. Ooof it is a doozy. Heavy in ways I cannot express. It hurts like hell. My favorite days over the past years of my life are the days where my little family was blazing a trail. Either out in the world or in our home. Spending time together, sharing a meal, talking to one another, playing a game, playing outside, sharing a smile with him about our kids and how precious they are. All of it......There was not much on this earth that I needed except for that. A nice cozy snow day, by our fireplace, crockpot going, cozy clothes on, and just the four of us doing our thing.......however the stark realization I have had to face is that that will never be again. Typing that gives me another stomach ache.....No matter what happens moving forward, even if I find love in my life again, my little family of four is gone forever......never to be again. The tears streaming as I write this........it is heartbreaking to me. In so many ways, for so many reasons. Ways I find hard to articulate. It has been my life quest, the thing I have protected all these years, like a fragile and precious vase. Now the vase is lying on the floor in shattered pieces. Those pieces forever broken and I am left with only certain ones I can put back together. However that precious little vase that I nurtured all these years is one I will miss all the days of my life. "
In those early blogs the pain is palpable when I read it......I haven't read them recently but when I have had occasion to, I am glad I documented that time in real time......the struggle being real for sure.......so today I sit in a different place.....grieving a loss that hasn't quite happened yet, but is unfolding..... the party of 3, The "three best friends" that took the place of those people I speak of above......and I have grown so fond of my party of 3.....it is most comforting.....and perhaps has been more fulfilling to me........ in ways that the four best friends could not be......hindsight being what it is......but as my heart becomes involved with somebody, that shift will be felt again.....not sure when fully or if real change will be felt, still remains to be seen as circumstance unfolds......but I am anticipating it all......still standing guard, protecting the three of us, but realizing at some point I may need to open up the circle some again......and then what......a different version of what I grieved above......and I suppose it all reminds me of the ebb and flow of our lives....and that nothing is permanent, and we never know what is around another corner.....and we should just enjoy what is right in front of us.....and not attach to something lasting forever.....because that is not how life works .....it is a beautiful cycle of all of the phases of our lives, and hanging on too tightly to any one place is fool's gold......so this morning I am remembering the "four best friends," honoring my party of 3 that took their place.....and open to what lies ahead, and the possibilities that could lie ahead.........Happy Halloween y'all:)
Comentarios