Peace and Freedom.......

These are the two things that I have embraced in the last few years, peace and freedom..... and I guess authenticity too.....the ability to be me.....and they are the things I will hold onto no matter what comes.....and feeling all these things is intoxicating......in all the best of ways.....and I had very little peace in my old life at certain points.....both within myself and around me.....and so as I have said many times, this way was the better way for us all....but now that I have it, it is priceless, and I won't ever give it away again......never.....and freedom is a little trickier.....as I have begun to date exclusively.....I struggle to ease into commitment, or label my love affair at the moment due to my freedom.....and my freedom doesn't include dating other people, or being free in the dating world.....that part doesn't concern me......at all.....it is my personal freedom that I am clutching onto....and I am lucky that my person is also wired the way I am like that.....and cherishes his freedom too, in very similar ways to me....so the navigating of it will be a process I think, for the both of us......It is hard to understand, unless you have lived it, the freedom that is found when you live on your own in your middle age, once you know better who you are.....and become the captain of your own ship.....and it is the same dilemma I have straddled all along, if you have been reading for awhile....the balance of both....because since all that has happened I am much quicker to want to cut everything off, and retreat into my own life.....happily.....and sharing my life is harder....but....there is also a huge part of me that isn't getting fed that way either....because when I spend time with my guy....it is magic, and catching a glimpse of my "relationship" self brings that clarity.....I enjoy companionship, adventure, fun, love, and romance, and all of it.....and walling myself up in my independent castle of freedom ;-) Is not the way either.....although......it is SO much easier to roll alone.....in so many ways....and as I type this the realization hits me that I suppose I am in the chapter of balancing the extremes that live within me.....in my married life, I was a married person.....all in, on commitment, and marriage, and family, and motherhood etc.....but to the detriment of my identity, and betraying who I was often....and now I have spent the last 4 years exploring myself fully, and learning my song, and becoming fiercely independent, and embracing my alone.....and both have maybe been extreme.....so somehow I need to find a way to marry the two parts of myself in a way that feels like myself, and brings balance.....easier said than done;-) And while it has been challenging at times to navigate what has come as a result of what I experienced, I can say that feeling the peace and freedom I have in this chapter has made the rest worth it in every way....and I know that the pendulum will find its way to center.....and balance will be found in its own time......perhaps for the first time in this lifetime, we shall see:)