Played for a fool........

"A person who acts unwisely or imprudently, a silly person.".....That is the definition of fool.....And I have spent some time in recent months uncovering my patterns, and missteps in love if you will......and I think one piece of it that is tough, is the part where I was made again to look like a fool.....perhaps even lessening my credibility in the world, and in other's eyes....when I spend a great deal of time being a credible human......being the person people can trust and count on.....taking my reputation and how I show up in the world very seriously.........and to think of all of the lovely things I have said about men to my friends, and my family, and then have them betray it so deeply, is a bitter pill to swallow....my belief in them overriding everything.....and then when they did what they did, especially the last set of circumstances, the shock and awe is profound......and I am left holding that silly rhetoric, and belief in him, and feeling like a fool.....and I was talking to a friend the other day, and saying that I feel grateful I don't live in that spot.....like when my ex left me, there was a part of that time in the aftermath where I felt discarded......abandoned for lack of a better word.....but that really did not last long. I realized early on, his actions were his own.....not having much to do with me at all.....and that freed me from living in that space......but still......he made me look foolish too.....because I was standing by him in his mess.......and he allowed me to do so......and then flipped the script.......and my last situation was similar......my standing in such a loyal place with him.......supporting him in every way that I thought I could, or that he needed me to.....and then...............and I cringe now at the things I said about him to my friends and family, as I was sharing, excitedly, and with a sparkle in my eyes all about the love story I thought we were having......and he ended up disproving and shattering every single accolade......just obliterating it all in the light of his deception, lies, and very disloyal actions......and well.....there she is again, the fool.......standing there in the rubble looking silly......and part of it, is that our experience of others is the experience we live within......so in some ways when we are played the fool due to our belief in another person, it is a compliment to our heart, and what lives within it......because we are beauty seekers.....and believers in all of those things.....I believe that, so there is that......but this morning I want to own my part in being made to play the fool......again.........and the truth is the men I have been with, that made me feel foolish in the end, showed their flags from the jump.....not suddenly changing......all of them telling me who they really were.....the pasts they lived.....all of it.....so really, I should not be all that surprised in the end......the writing was on the wall.....I just chose to believe in redemption and that a leopard can change its spots......which by the way I still believe:) And focus so fully on the good, exonerating their past, in the hopes of a different future........But in these cases that was not true......every pattern they verbalized from their past.......even admonishing their former selves......got played out on me too.....nothing changed........their cycles just continuing to spin........and I suppose I am lucky that I have the respect of my family and friends in a way where my endorsement holds weight......they have been so kind and gracious in understanding why I ended up the fool again.....knowing what it was about the last situation that kept me compelled.....and believing.....because they believed too.......and when I went on that date recently, it was a flag that kept me back......one he divulged to me, and had potentially eradicated, his addiction years ago.....and as admirable as I believe sobriety is.....and as deeply as I understand the human condition, and believe people can change, and should not hold their past against them, a history of addiction is one that gives me great pause......because unfortunately that pattern and behavior can manifest in other ways, beyond substances, and bleed all over people that love them......I have found that it creates patterns in people that cause them to choose their selves and prioritize their own needs over the people they love in a way that can be very damaging....and that isn't judgmental, it is a risk......I have certainly paid my dues in this life for other's addictions......and I don't plan on doing that again. So now the irony is that due to other's deceptions, I am left to build my own credibility again with the people I love.....so that when the real deal finds me, they will believe it.......and trust that what I am experiencing is REAL.....and I suppose for them, just like for me that won't be hard, because actions will speak louder than words next time in every way, and as for me.....I already know that that will be true.......my spidey sense is heightened, not in a damaged vigilant way, but in an intuitive wiser way. I knew the guy I just went on a date with was not it.....despite all signs seeming a go....and he proved me right......so I need not worry about my ability to be played a fool again......despite my rose colored glasses that see such beautiful things in the people I love......they will hold discernment now......and it will take awhile for somebody to get my endorsement again......not earning it quickly or easily......and in the end of this last mess, I will offer myself the same grace that I did him, and know that my intentions were so good, and pure, and my love was so real and true for him, and it was that love and loyalty that clouded my good sense......and that isn't a crime.....even when it isn't honored by another. And his decision to play me for a fool, was his own.......And part of my success in coaching and connecting with people in a genuine way, is that I have been so many women.....so many versions of what it is that they face......Like Whitney belting out "I'm every woman?" lol so perhaps being made a fool of will serve me with another client......having intimate knowledge of what she is feeling, and experiencing, because I have been there too......However, for me personally......my fool for love days have ended........for good, Amen