Predators and apologies.....

Before now I never really thought about the existence of predatory people.....but they exist....people out there exploiting people's weaknesses, or wounds, for their own benefit....taking advantage of a person's light and generosity.....and handing them darkness in return....and in this chapter I have seen so much.....so much beauty and magic, but also some darkness.....and when somebody does something deeply hurtful to you......or against you......there is this need that happens within you...... initially to seek an apology.....thinking that somehow that apology will validate the rest.....or make it better somehow.....but if somebody is capable of a certain level of deception, lies, and all the rest, are they really capable of a sincere apology? And does it matter? I have never gotten a proper apology from my ex husband to date.....or any attempt or acknowledgement of all he has done....and the thing is I learned to heal without it....forgive without needing it, to let it all go without the apology.....and his choosing to not apology hasn't affected me, and I believe he might have had a shift in his own experience if he had chosen to make amends....having it help him so much.......but what he does is his business, not mine.....and there have been a few other folks in between that owe me an apology....they really do.....but may never seek to do that......and most recently, I am absolutely owed an apology,,....I actually believe the dirtier somebody does you, the worse their resistance is against apologizing.....trying to eradicate their accountability by running, or avoiding, hiding, or any number of things.....but I have made peace with what I have needed to.....not needing the apology.......knowing if that amends finds me, it will be meant for me.....I am not interested in insincerity either......only an apology that holds the understanding of some of what happened between myself and another person.....and I cannot pretend to know either what it is like to be them....I have said many times I have never done anything to somebody, that is so horrid and hurtful, that it changes their life on the other side.....never.....and while my life has been transformed in so many wonderful ways.....having another person's actions break it wide open..... make no mistake, they also left a wound.....and as I acknowledge the wounds I carry.....not letting them diminish, but allowing their presence to help me continue to head to the places I want to be.....using them as a magic carpet if you will:) making peace with them....not fighting them....accepting them as a part of my story....knowing their purpose.....I won't put all of my effort in the wanting of an apology.....or the needing of it......I will just trust that whether it ever comes or not, everything is always working out for me.....always......the desire for an apology is a trap....so if you are reading this.....don't get caught.....it isn't worth it....getting to live free is what matters.....freeing your soul of the things that bind, I promise:)