Protecting HER.......

I really haven't had anybody protect me in my adult life.....and I mean..... my parents are fiercely in my corner....always, but I mean outside of that.....and I do not say it as a woe is me kinda thing......I do not feel sorry for myself often, I really don't.......it has been shown to me on repeat, that it is up to me to craft the life I seek, and protect myself....that putting that responsibility is another person's pocket is foolhardy........and the thing is I will go to great lengths to protect HER, the woman I have fought so hard to be now......at ALL costs......even if it breaks my heart.....and that kind of fierce loyalty I offer her now, is second to none......I was not always loyal to her in my old life.....loyal to others, but not HER......abandoning her often, and putting her through SO much.....damn I put her through so much.......to protect others, and as those last three words found my keyboard, and instant AHA hit! I love that for me lol:) But gosh if that is not true.....my loyalty knew no bounds for those I loved.....standing fiercely by them, as they behaved badly...believing in the goodness that I saw in them so fiercely.....stubbornly.......and watching HER wither away, in the lack of reciprocity, and love she was receiving, or not receiving as it were.......and well.......THIS Jenn, just won't do that anymore.......my loyalty now lies with me in the end.......protecting my soul..... my peace.....and my heart at all costs.......even high ones......and I know I have written of this before, but each time it visits my awareness, I become clearer on it all.....and I cannot overstate how important it is for me to figure this cross out in this life.......this has been MY thing......we all have our things......the things we struggle with, or carry with us in this life, and this is mine.....my worthiness....and it has come SOOOOOOOO far.....but......I still have work to do, and I will.....:) I have tended to give out worthiness to others, withholding mine, and I know the reasons, at least most of them, but I have more discovering to do.....I mean I could write days of blogs about the things I have chosen in my past relationships that diminished my self worth.,......and maybe lots of women do...it seems that way.....it is our role......to be the fixers, the givers, and the nurturers.......on repeat......and tend to others and their worth......but our worth is so very important.....and the more we tend to our own, the better our life becomes! I am living proof of that:).......I need to hold fast to that, as I do with all the other disciplined places in my life I seek to be.....I am setting my sights on new ways to protect my girl.....tending to her needs.........fiercely protecting them.....SHE needs me.......she needed me in ALL of my past chapters too, but I abandoned her often, or silenced her voice whispering in my ear, "You don't deserve this, this isn't normal".....I cringe physically when I think of how often I ignored that voice......but now I have a little gal watching too.....and well, that is a responsibility I hold dear......I want her to have experienced a mom that loved herself well, and had others love her well too, and carry that love into her own life.....she will have many demons of her own to battle in that department, due to all that has happened, and all she had to be put through.....and I want to do my best, not to contribute any further to that indeed......self respect, self worth, self love, self stuff, and intention, is not selfish, it is self preservation indeed......Enjoy the day:)xoxo