Reclaiming this season..........

We are embarking on my favorite time of year......gosh I have spent so many holiday seasons having such amazing times and reveling in the moments that came..... carrying soft white light and sparkle.......the glow of a Christmas tree......the glitter, the hustle, the bustle. And now for the last couple of years this time of year has been veiled by a subtle soft background kinda trigger for my trauma......all of the affair fallouts occurring during this time, and there were so many pivotal moments in this story, between he and I that took place during these months leading up to Christmas, and his eventual leaving in early January two years ago. So it feels frustrating to me......and unfair, as so many things do on repeat.......and I decided that this holiday season I need to look at it all......all the disappointment, the hurt, the heartache, the tarnishing of the most wonderful time of the year, and reframe it all........reclaim it as my own......the holidays will be different this year.......again.......still.......Covid was the first holiday wrecking ball......years ago........followed by two Christmases spent alone in quarantine.......one year not ever getting Covid and then his leaving.....and the next year braving having Covid with my kids .......and other dynamics in my life have stepped forward to throw a blanket over this season too......and you know what I have made a decision to fight through it all......fight through the ghosts, through the memories, through it all to RECLAIM my favorite time. And I think it begins with crafting a new story........this weekend Mads and I will decorate.....earlier than usual due to logistics of visiting with her dad.......and needing to swap for Gabe's activity. SO this weekend begins the crafting of the new story and vision for our holiday season. And I guess it is in the expectation of what we think it should be. Need it to be. When really as long as we are here together, there is nothing else that I need. And the trauma that awakens in my soul during this time grows quieter each time......so far quieter than last year........and I suspect it will fade into the background, as it does in all the other seasons of the year, that remind me less of what has happened......it reminds me that we can never underestimate the power we hold in other's lives.......the power to hurt and the power to heal.......such an awesome responsibility we hold.......but we also get to say what story we live in......a story of triumph or tragedy......and I am determined to reclaim this time of my life once and for all.......and put all the ghosts of Christmas past to bed.......for good........