In my old life I definitely had doormat chapters......ones where I allowed all sorts of things that are not in line with having boundaries, and honoring your own space in this life......I did it in my relationship......I did it with my some of my friends.......I just allowed so much because the people pleaser in me was so strong......I wanted people to like me and be pleased with me at all costs.....and most of the time that cost was me! It never dawned on me the exhaustion that is found there......or the futile nature of people pleasing......I just believed that if I was pleasant enough, and if my personality was pleasing enough all people would like me.......funny now to think of........I was comfortable in those days not rocking the boat too far in one direction........keeping it status quo......and if for some reason some conflict arose, I would worry that the other person was mad at me, and feel anxious about trying to lay down a boundary......it is sad to think of.......how long I lived in that space......just trying so damn hard......for all of it.......but these days I am making up for it......I am saying my truth.....laying down boundaries......speaking what is in my heart, and being assertive in all the ways that I need to ........the ways I need...... to honor myself........I still don't love conflict, and truthfully I guess laying down a boundary.......stepping back as being a doormat.......doesn't need to involve conflict........it just needs to be stated plainly......"hey I am not dealing with that". "It is not in line with my life"........and leave it at that.......I won't hang in places that summon doormat Jenn again.......and as soon as I feel her creeping in I know that is my signal to exit whatever situation is causing it........I have clear boundaries with my ex now......ones that are necessary......there are times when I need to swallow some stuff, but it is always for my kids, and it is in the spirit of not allowing that situation to steal any more of my joy......and not let it have any power.......not in allowing myself to be walked on......the truth is I fought and clawed my way to be here.......through pain and suffering I never knew existed in this life.......and that fight will never lead me back to old patterns that do not serve me and where I am headed.......it just won't.......it will never be for no reason......I never plan on finding myself in a relationship that asks for those old things to step forward......I still marvel at the different ways the people in our lives make us feel.......how we can be so sure of us.....and once we step in front of a friend or somebody we love, or have loved.....we can revert into an old dance and pattern......having the interaction threaten to diminish all we now hold dear.......I guess the difference now is this.......I know who I am.......clearly.......I know what I want in this life......clearly.......I know what I deserve in this life.....clearly....and I will never settle for less than that.......not ever again........
Reformed.........doormat.........and people pleaser.......
jperuso
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