Self soothe, rinse, and repeat.......

September always feels a little extra.....as we board a new school year.....transitioning from the ease and carefree feeling of the summer.....into routine....and the constriction of our daily schedules.......the demands of making lunches, and launching new initiatives in our classrooms finding us.....and since becoming a single mom, the anticipation of juggling it, mostly on my own finds me each fall.....having been lucky to have support each year since my ex left in the ways I have needed to make it all work....the pieces coming together...but each year that support being and needing to be less and less as my children grow.....and I have been so grateful it has all worked....this year the school year dance and logistics has changed again....and it has been challenged some with my daughter having been diagnosed with very early Lyme....but then starting heavy duty meds as the school year took hold....causing some of our mornings and days to be bumpy....and being torn between work and being a mom is one of the worst feelings.....having to choose in a moment what the "right" thing is to do.....and no question, both my kids have had to be more grown than I have wanted them to be, because of my single mom status.....and some days I hate that for them.....knowing on one hand their journeys are their own....and that these experiences have come to shape their lives too.....but also wishing things were easier sometimes and that some of the things that come with this walk is super challenging.....and most days I am left holding all of it myself....while trying to work, and do all the other things....and when you are in a marriage.....or maybe a good one....on those days you can lay down your challenges at one point......and lean into a partner.....one that can hear you, support you, hug you......tell you it is OK.....comfort you in your challenge.....and as yesterday's morning's challenges took hold....being a bumpy one...and my emotions took hold for my daughter, and what was challenging her, and feeling helpless in it all....it felt lonely....there have been a few times along this journey that my solitude hits me really hard....realizing I have become an expert at drying my own tears.....comforting my own broken heart.....picking up the pieces to my life......and healing my own wounds....and while I know the way, I really do......I wish I didn't have to be stronger than I want to be too sometimes.....and seeing myself in my daughter now....hurts me for her....because I know to some degree what it is like.....to be her....and be grown and wise beyond her years too soon...maybe both of us coming into life that way....but also living experiences that fostered that some too....and it just is.....nothing to be done about it....and my prayer is to one day be blessed with a person in my life that has my back fiercely.....that seeks to hold space for my feelings and emotions.....gives me a space to have them....and honors them.....and lets me not have to be so strong all of the time....because they are too.....as yesterday morning unfolded.....that sounded like heaven to me, as I drove to work with tears in my eyes.....I am blessed with some great friends......and a supportive family....but that is not a substitute for a partner....it just isn't......we all end up having to walk our own journeys.....so my prayer is that as September settles in.....is that things hopefully get a little easier......and in the meantime I will continue to focus on the gratitude I feel for having all the provisions, and resources, and support to make it all happen......Happy Friday y'all, we made it;-)