i cannot really express the surreal quality Gabe's senior year has for me.....when you have a baby you feel like you have so much time till graduation.....and then you live it, and realize it flies by.....and that is what I am experiencing now.....like October blinked on by......then Christmas will roll up, and we will find our way to June before we know it......so I am trying to soak in the experiences, and enjoying them all.....tonight is another one....He has senior night for football....he loves it so much.....they got him a really cool manager shirt....it is DV official gear which is his favorite, and he has his title on it......so tonight Mads and I will escort him onto the field......and it will be emotional to think of another thing marking his last year.....luckily since he will be staying beyond his graduation to do the other program till he is 21, I believe he will still be welcome to be a part of the football program and continue his role for a few more seasons.......but tonight will be a milestone of sorts....yesterday was an intense day energetically.....and I got to end it in a lovely way with an old friend that came for a visit.....and she is in town till Tuesday so she may come to the game tonight too......and senior night also comes with pangs of reminders, and disbelief that I won't be sharing any of this with his dad......his senior year transporting me back to the days we watched him fight for his life on a ventilator.....and his 5 week stay in the NICU.....and all the in between.....the raising of Gabe has been a thing.....not easy at certain points.....and complicated in others.....but then just magical mostly......and to be experiencing his big milestones on my own, and no real way to connect about it at all.....is sad and unfortunate.......I have accepted things as they are mostly......and let whatever happens happen....and am open to whatever will be......I have made it clear I am open to having a different relationship but that has not moved forward in any direction.....and I can't do anything else about it......so I accept it......and maybe as I type this that is what I mourn the most in this story.....not being able to share in raising our children together, even as divorced co parents.....that is a part that still comes with a sting.....I have long grieved the other parts......but since we continue to share our children, and do so in such a separate way, it still comes with some grief, as Gabe navigates his senior year.....and I guess going through all of this is helping me grieve this part too.......and we all are on our journeys, he makes his decisions and I make mine........and tonight I will focus on the celebration of my sweet boy and his big accomplishments......and revel in another senior milestone! Senior night here we come.......xo
jperuso
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