Hey there, shock and awe.....

Shock and awe is a part of being betrayed......it just is......because the reality of who you believed a person to be, or the story you lived, was not as it seemed.....and their actions bring shock and awe to your door. And you are not sure what to do with it......and somebody mentioned the other day that maybe I feel those things, in the light of betrayal, due to how I am wired some, but I don't agree.....I think most people I know feel those things, and I can attest to it from the work I do.....all the women expressing the same thing......a disbelief that their person was who they were......and the interesting thing is there can still be blocks that prevent us from seeing things clearly.....like my knowing my ex had an affair, and believing he stopped, and believing we were working on it all, and still being in shock and awe when he left......and in the discovery of what he was capable of.....never seeing it coming, which seems silly now......but was completely true........and in my latest situation......believing that despite some challenges I knew he had in the past, that this would all be different somehow....and feeling shock and awe settle in....like a cloak.....but here is the magical thing, sorta;-) I am being faced with a very similar test now to what I experienced 4 plus years ago......some similarities, some differences......but......I can see the growth and differences in me this time around.....this time in the discovery of the truth of a person, I have this beautiful growth insulation that helps it not touch me the way the end of my marriage did......and one might argue, well of course, that was your marriage.....and that was different....and part of that is true. The grief of losing my little family back then was BRUTAL......the worst grief I have ever felt....but I had already begun to grieve my ex the minute I found out he cheated.....never looking at him the same again.....but this last situation....was a relationship.....deep and wide.....and deeply embedded into the fabric of my life.....and I could argue that my connection with him was stronger than the one with my husband due to the deep friendship we forged......and walking away in march from him was hard, but then recently discovering the truth behind what caused me to walk, was shocking.....finally being privy to all of it......and thinking of all that could have been going on, long distance for all of this time, also shocking.....but while grief is here to some degree, shock, awe, I really am doing well with it all....not in a denial sorta way, or a pushing away of it....or not dealing with it.....but with a keen awareness of the fact that has humans we have the ability to connect to things without giving them the permission to destroy us....and perhaps as I type this it occurs to me that my sense of self at the end of my marriage was not in tact.......I was my marriage, my family, my kids, not so much Jenn......so I was engulfed in the horror and the explosion.......the test being the walk back to myself:) And finding out who I am.....so now as I face that similar test, it is not as challenging, because I am clear on who I am.....and my sense of self is strong....not dependent on another person or a relationship.....or any of it.....and while the feelings that are arising are similar....they are manageable completely....I am sleeping, and eating, and having my normal life carry on:) Grinning.....laughing.....singing......dancing......all of it.......:) Realizing so completely that another's actions speak to the heart and content of their character.....not mine.....so I guess I write this this morning to marvel some at the contrast of the experiences despite their similarities....having had a chance to use my growth and see it in action.....and it makes me feel safer in the world to be honest, not less safe......knowing that I have done THE WORK of protecting myself, and my life, from whatever comes......knowing the way......and the way is through learning the lessons that have come, seeking to never repeat them again. And this time I know I won't.....having forged the beginnings of this last relationship in the wake of my divorce, and our friendship forming under that light....attracting it when I was a different person.....and truthfully letting it linger too long......so now I understand that piece better.....and don't need to be shown this lesson again, I truly don't.....and the best way to move through the shock and awe is to attend to myself, my growth, my health, and I do and will even more so.....I want to add yoga to my practices....I want to do it once a week:) So that is on my radar to begin......my new workout efforts are beginning to add up, and that is exciting! Our school year is off to a great start:) My business is steadily growing, and I am just grateful for all of it.....never feeling victimized by what comes.....knowing it all serves a deep purpose in my life.....to break me open, and my life open to the possibilities of what can be.....and I look forward with nothing but expectation for all the magic and miracles yet to be experienced. I mean that so sincerely:) Happy Wednesday:)