Shock and Awe.......

I have written a few entries with this title in the last 5 years.....and it is because it continues to circle around.....and maybe it was that big beautiful moon that brought it to my doorstep.....But it was intense and deep yesterday.....just feeling it all again.....the weight of the betrayals that have been laid on my lap, by some of my favorite humans.......not strangers doing horrid things......but people I loved so deeply, and thought loved me the same.....people I trusted........people I would have, and did do anything for....and the betrayals I was handed were not in line with any of that.....I still sometimes reel in the disbelief I feel about the treatment I receive from my ex husband still.....I never in all of my wildest dreams would have thought he would turn out to do the things he has, or treat me in the ways he does......,and I am sure he has his reasons, ones that even feel valid to him.....we haven't had a conversation, not a real one, in years.....so I would not know, and we are strangers now anyway......each stepping into our own evolution, and evolving in different directions.....but sometimes the human me, the life coach me, wonders how he can reconcile it......how he lives with it.....the weight of it......so unnecessary, in every way....but there was a narrative created long ago, that still needs to fit, so the rest of the story fits inside of him.......and I get that......and maybe I am feeling it because my 5 year anniversary of being divorced is coming up.....or maybe because next spring we would have been married 20 years, or maybe because I was recently betrayed deeply.......again......but whatever the source, it is here......asking to be felt and looked at.....and I see so clearly that the purpose of what has happened has been to push myself closer to me, albeit violently at first.....and teach me how to LOVE ME......well....and I am doing that, so completely:) And it feels magnificent.....and I guess just now as I typed that I felt the irony of learning such a powerful LOVE through such a LACK of it.......that irony not lost on me.....and so yesterday as I was driving home from work, I was feeling for myself a little bit....a little bit of the why did this happen rolling around.....even though I know;-) And then I picked up my girl from student council and came home and grabbed my boy, and realized that I was feeling that lack of love on my ride home, because my focus was on the places where it wasn't shown to me, but then my girl gave me a note she had written to me.......

"Dear Mom, thank you for all you do for me and Gabe and you have shaped/molded me into the person I am today. and all those holidays U stayed home for us when we were sick. And not being strict lol. And don't forget all those times you helped me and never once did you judge me. Thank you for all you do thank you. Love, M"

And then my boy got in the car and said how was your day mom? And I realized it is not a lack of love I have experienced. I was just looking in the wrong places. I am surrounded by mad love every day......my kids adore me and love me in such exquisite ways, a true treasure.......and it is so human to focus on what we don't have instead of what we do right??? And so I flipped the script......settling into the lesson of it all.....which was absolutely to show me to never betray me......to love myself fiercely......to double down on love as a mom......all of it......and so this morning my perspective has shifted.....and I am honoring that tender spot that feels the shock and awe circle around again......because some days, still.......it is hard for me to believe.....and maybe that will always be there.....