Staring directly into the face of my trauma........

I decided to go all in in my therapy and begin EMDR therapy......I have written about it before, and truthfully dancing around it for quite sometime......content to do talk therapy and getting results.....and hesitant at certain times to dig that deep.......but it has reached the time where I feel brave enough and strong enough to up my game, and go all in, and really tackle that deep trauma stuff that I carry around in my day to day......and yesterday was the beginning of that......a beautiful journey I am ready for.......EMDR is an amazing technique with profound results, and helps a person really move past their trauma in a real way, and fairly quickly in comparison to traditional therapy methods.......during the end of my marriage I suffered multiple deep betrayal traumas......to the point of my teeth chattering and my entire body physically shaking.......on more than one occasion, in addition to the trauma I endured the night he left, and other smaller traumas along the way......so despite the healing that I have owned and embarked on myself, this deep trauma that lives inside of me must be set free.......so I can be fully free too........so yesterday we decided to tackle the trauma surrounding the first time I found out fully about his affair.....when you do EMDR therapy you hold two pulsing plastic handle type things in your hand......and there is a pulsing in the right and left side of your brain and body......and there is minimal talking.......it is more a meditative process.....and I was grateful for my own meditative practice, because it absolutely helped me during this session......I had done one session a long time ago, before I had begun meditating, and I found it much more challenging......yesterday was much easier for me, feeling more therapeutic and fruitful.......so we began with my holding the pulsing handles in my hand....and he brought me back to that night, and I just had to verbally set up what had happened......then talking ceases and I spent some time just thinking with my eyes closed while the pulses continue letting whatever come come......and he stopped me at different increments to share what I was experiencing......in the beginning of it as I traveled back to that night, and I could feel my entire body cinch up so tightly, my chest getting tight, my anxiety building, and my heart racing......all of it.....as if I was about to come face to face with the demon of that trauma.....which I was.....and I was surprised to feel the grip it still had on me......but I knew I had to be brave and face it fully......so I did.....I sat with the visceral discomfort and let it move through me.....and as we journeyed through the session my visceral feelings began to subside and lessen as I moved through the imagery that visited me, and as I moved through it all......so much came up for me......stuff that surprised me and affected me......and at one point I did become emotional as I thought of my former self, and all she endured at his hands emotionally, and during that time.....and I wished in that moment that I could have gone back in time and sat with her, the Jenn I am now, to give her the support she never got from him in those trauma filled moments.......or from anybody......she was all alone in all of it......and I wanted to travel back and throw my arms around her......and hold her......and allow her to break........hold space for her to do that........it was a powerful experience...... I absolutely left some of my trauma in his office yesterday.....no question........and I most definitely still have many miles to travel to this end......but every bit of pain, suffering, and trauma that I can purge is worthwhile.......every single bit of it........and I am more than committed to doing that.......staring it all down, and taking every bit of my life back every time I do!