The apologies we are owed.......

An apology is powerful right? Whether somebody hurts us deeply or not so deeply......hearing them own the action and work toward repairing the misstep is one of the most healing things on both sides.....And I am owed a bunch.....from various people.....for things that I did not deserve.....and ways in which I have been treated by those that have been closest to me.....but here is the thing......the trap is the waiting on that apology.....hanging our hat on that......or needing it, to continue down our road.....and the truth is we don't need an apology to live happy or move on.....and healing can come without the apologies we are owed.....I know that now firsthand.......and it is true that all of the women I speak to, that have been betrayed like me, speak of that too....that apology eluding them, and how that spot can sometimes be sore.....and well it is.....I won't lie....there are some apologies that I am owed that are more tender than others......but it is futile to get caught up in the waiting on it all....or the NEEDING it......the only thing we need is the peace that can only be found within.....it cannot be bought......or sold.....or manufactured.....or any of it.....it is a peace so profound and true, that it has the ability to help us move past the apologies we never receive.....and even forgive those that do not show remorse......and has this retrograde spins, bringing past scabs to light.......and bringing healing in its wake......I am aware of another piece of these apologies......and it is this.....I have needed to apologize to myself......for allowing myself to be treated the way I have in the past....by people who have claimed to love me.....but did not act loving at all......apologizing to myself for standing in that dysfunction and allowing it.....and pouring more and more of my love in return, hoping that that would help me feel loved.....and it was all futile......absolutely fool's gold......no amount of love that you give, can make a person you love love you well.....especially if they are a taker.......it will bleed you dry.....and I have been shown that lesson on repeat.....and I think finally.......FINALLY I have gotten it......not willing to pour endlessly unless the person I am pouring into pours into me too:) So the biggest apology I have been owed in this life to this point.......is the one I give to me.....and my apology to myself is sincere.....and true......and healing.....and I show myself I am sorry each day by choosing to put myself on the list of people I love in the day....Waking up in the early morning hours......as the moon shines down......to take good care of me.....I am sorry Jenn........I am sorry I allowed you to remain in places you did not belong.....much longer than you should have......loving people that did not appreciate you, or love you the way you deserved to be loved......people that did not honor the woman you are.....that did not love you in the ways you needed, not ever.......and I promise you Jenn.....that I will never allow that to happen to you again.....not ever......I will always love you fiercely and protect you like it is my job, because......well it is:) Amen! Happy Tuesday!