The Art of Deception....

Having been betrayed deeply in my intimate relationships has allowed for growth and lessons, ones I use this platform and my business to share......in the hopes that it frees another person....sooner than later.....And maybe it will, and in some cases I have confirmation it already has.....I have written about the psychological warfare I endured at the end of my marriage, and in the aftermath.....needing to strengthen my mind and spirit to endure it all without losing my mind, and ultimately step right over it, and not allow any of it to get in ever...........and that is powerful for sure.....as it was incessant for awhile....and I thought I was past that part of my life......thought I would never have to contend with it again, until it snuck into the back door of my last relationship.....and suddenly I was over explaining.....frantically trying to be heard and understood, and being met with defensiveness and deflection.....being punished for speaking up with silence, and being told it was just me.....my problem......my making up stuff that wasn't true.....or not present......and in the end THAT was the tell that set me free......my finally realizing that no amount of love that I had for him, would bring the love I needed to me.......never.......I could not love myself out of what was going on, the same way I couldn't in my marriage......that I was battling the unseen force of infidelity.....dishonesty..... cheating....but ultimately deception......when you are up against somebody that is being SO dishonest and deceptive, your truth provokes them in every way.....because I suppose their commitment to their lies is such that they will do whatever it takes to keep it all afloat, including trying to make you feel crazy for what you know to be true, and for your experience in their funhouse of lies......and in this last case I got the validation of knowing that EVERYTHING I thought was true and likely more than I know, WAS TRUE.....I know enough to always know there is more......Even from 1,200 miles away most of the time, I could feel him, and his deception, something that I hadn't felt from him for a long time in a real sense.....and what is interesting is there is a low level angst you feel in that situation, a simmering.....a subtle lack of peace in your soul, but sometimes it is right in your face, and you can try to justify it to yourself.....I would Facetime him when he was at work, and his work people would say hi and mention that he had just talked to another girl on Facetime, like haha, and somehow it would come off in a joking way.....or he would find some reasonable explanation.....and in hindsight they were likely trying to tell me, what my soul already knew.....his having a first date with another woman on Valentine's Day, a day when I excitedly Facetimed him thrilled with my gift, as he sat on the other side, knowing he was heading out to betray me.....just exquisite deception........and in the end I was in a frenzy of words......grasping so desperately to be heard by him.....for him to cop to all my heart knew.....and his denial, and contempt of that, became the deepest betrayal of all......betraying our friendship so exquisitely, his intimate knowledge of that happening to me before.....us psychoanalyzing all of that together as best friends.....best freaking friends, and in the end his turning that same weapon on me......and luckily I caught myself this time before I lost myself, and all the work I had done on my growth and my evolution......choosing to free myself, and stop my hands from bleeding in the hanging on......stop the absolute madness that had taken over our relationship, releasing the need to make him see what he could not see.....or what he could see but refused to confirm.....and I have learned that the only truth I need is my own.....I know what happened.....completely.....and I am writing this to tell you that if you are feeling unease in your spirit.....if your intuition is screaming that something is off, IT IS.......period......do not let somebody talk you out of your experience......it is funny I am working on my book.....and in the first chapter I write about the unease I experienced in my living room before my ex came in from outside and told me he was leaving........despite my texting him earlier in the day about it, the unease, and his telling me it was all good, and that I had nothing to worry about, and then the bus came......and this chapter has definitely been about my learning to trust myself even more than I ever have......and this last experience helped me realize that I will never be subject to anything like that again.......NEVER, because there are a whole bunch of things that are in the never again pile now....more than before......and I have become so schooled in liars and their tactics.......and the man I seek wants to hear my feelings.....in fact he wants to do everything in his power to make me feel loved, and understood....and make me smile....... often:).........and he would never punish me for sharing the things that hurt my heart by going silent.....or withdrawing....or dismissing and denying how I am feeling.......he will view my love for the gift it is....and make me feel loved even on my worst day......he will give to me as I give to him.....not leave me to pour endlessly into the void.....he will be kind.....damn he will be so kind.....and loyal.....as loyal as I am........and would never consider waging a war on my psyche to protect his lies.......never........in fact lies won't ever enter in....because he will be honest.......both of us free to speak our truth, and love each other freely, and fiercely.....the way love is supposed to be in my opinion......if it is not free and fierce I am not interested......no cages.......and just so much more.....and I suppose I should be happy that I have had a first class education on deception.....having found myself up against two world class liars, ones very good at their game......ones that have fooled many in their lives....and somehow I survived it all......and now I know, so fully, my intuition becoming even more sharpened in the last year.......I speak energy.......fluently.....even when people are attempting to hide it from me, I FEEL it, and THEM......and that other language that I "speak" will be the one I lead with as I continue along......never doubting myself ever again......not even for a second.......at one of my doctor coaching sessions she shared research about the connection between a strong mind and strong body......and I really believe that is true.....as my body has gotten stronger so has my mind.....this last situation could have broken me, all things considered, and instead it strengthened me.......so I move on fully clear on what he attempted to do, and realizing his anger and frustration with me in the end, was because I wasn't a willing participant in his game anymore......wasn't willing to be manipulated and deceived......people always show themselves......actions being louder than words always.....and we just have to be brave enough to accept what it is we are being shown......even when it hurts our heart.......especially then.......