The journey within......

I have been in a very solitary part of my life throughout this part of my life....deep contrast with my old life.....and this week that is speaking to me even more deeply because my kids are away as I head to work for a couple of days.....for the whole week, and it is so challenging because we are so close, and I suppose it is sort of a way for me to feel what it means to fully be alone.....because they are my hearts, and their company and presence is my favorite......and even as a single mom, with children, it is still really possible to feel very alone.....but I have written many times about being alone but not feeling lonely.....and that still rings true......I was talking to a friend yesterday deeply for a couple of hours......and we talked about the contrasts that live within us all....wanting or desiring one thing, and then feeling the same about something else that calls to us, that is in contrast to that......like for instance I am a very independent person.....adapting to solitude pretty well.....enjoying it even.....but ALSO I am a cozy couple person, that feels a strong desire to connect with another human inside of a relationship.......wanting connection with people in general, deep connection.....all of it.....and so there it is, that contrast:) And I believe that God provided this part of my life....especially what happened as of late, to bring clarity and growth to my door, and a deep dive if you will within, to prepare my heart and soul for whatever is ahead.....and it is the attachment to any outcome that is the trap.....wanting something too much.....it is when we sit back and surrender that the magic happens....that is indeed a universal law:) Surrender in all of its forms.....and just letting it all be......and I have come SO far in the ability to do that.....but still have more work to do:) But the epiphanies have been coming fast and furiously in these past few months.....elevating my understanding of the relationship dynamic in my life......that being the place where the spotlight is shining down on.....and a couple of things occurred to me alongside the trusting of my instincts and the self worth piece.....it is also how attraction works for me....and how I feel in this chapter, the man I will be attracted to will be different than it has been in the past, maybe completely due to all of this recent stuff:) So that feels like a breakthrough.......and it is in the surrender of alone.....really simple....perhaps tabling the whole thing for awhile as I continue to grow and work on myself, letting these new realizations settle in and heal from what just happened too.....it was hard to have that relationship show up, experience it, and feel things within me that I had had to put aside due to my story, and then have to leave all of that behind......couple stuff is amazing stuff too and companionship is beautiful, connection, intimacy all of it....so something is speaking to me to just step back some, and do some more deep diving and swimming into the layers that lie within myself.....uncovering.....evolving....and just letting it all be......continuing to trust with my entire heart that it is not my timing.....and that there is NOTHING that will miss me that is meant for me.....nothing, even the tough stuff......every step.....every moment of the last 4 plus years has shown that to me so deeply.....so I guess it feels exciting to look ahead on my brand new era.....the other piece of it that makes the pull so strong......and makes it challenging, is that I feel so healthy, vibrant, vital :)And learning how to feel all of those things alone too is a test:) It feels so good to feel so good inside of myself and for now, and well that is more than enough:) Happy Sunday:)