The loss of affection again......

I speak and write often about the impact my divorce has made on my life and my growth and evolution.....and it is by far the best part.....being able to know better and do better.....to learn heavy, yet powerful life lessons.....but there is a sad part of it too......a more challenging part, that those of us that find ourselves in this club battle some......it is the fact that it requires a continuous call for us to adapt.....and sometimes that adaptation is in conflict with our true nature....I was wired to be a married person, for life......rolling into little old lady status, having somebody hold my wrinkly hand, and both of us looking adoringly at one another.....I really believe that......my heart was not made for single life......but my spirit, and my strength, and my desire to thrive in the face of it all, called me to adapt......and adapt.....and adapt some more....and I have adapted endlessly.....and pretty well........and I could write a week's worth or more of blogs about the things I have had to adapt to in my life now.....and that is good stuff, no doubt.....my new skill set has expanded exponentially.......but there is grief that comes for me sometimes, even still...and maybe in light of the end of my recent love story, I am feeling it more, and it is the affection piece....being able to feel all of that again......hand holding, kissing......laying with another human....sleeping and waking with a man again.....all of it......we are designed, or most of us are to have affection......humans are not designed to go years without having somebody hold their hand, or kiss them.......or hug them.......they just aren't......I am lucky I get to hug my kids, and cuddle my girl some, she still lets me ......but it isn't the same.....and I feel for the single people that don't have their kids.......it is not natural......I have come to learn that.....so as I have been grieving love and loss.......I am watching that lovely piece go too.....I have written about my philosophy about that, and how for me, I must be in love to share myself in a physical sense with a man, and I need to trust, and all the rest.....so it will likely be some time till I am bathed in affection again, and feel ready to , and there is a mourning process for me for that......and none of this is about sex.....it really isn't.......that is a challenging part for us single folks too, and a piece....but it is so much more than that......being single isolates you some....in wonderful ways too....and I love it way more than I ever thought I would.....there are parts of it that I adore......and I am not lonely either......it isn't loneliness I am expressing today.....it is the absence of the things that humans NEED......plain and simple......like water, food, and the sun.....and being single places you in a place to deprive you of your human needs.....and well.....that is tough.....I also feel younger and more vital than I have in so long- vibrant and energetic, that makes it harder too...I think in some weird way, exercise fills some of that for me.....using my body to move......but today I just acknowledge the grief......letting myself feel it, perhaps this full moon tonight bringing it to me to look at, and also feeling deep gratitude for having had affection like I just had, after 4 years.....on my terms.....and in love....and looking forward to when it finds me again.....And if you are currently in a relationship, don't take any of that for granted.....it is more important than you may currently realize......I promise:)