The love of my son....

After I had my daughter, I was so grateful that she was a girl.....and that I would have one son, and one daughter....no comparison between them......he is my favorite son, and she is my favorite daughter:) And mothering them has been vastly different......due to Gabe's special needs, he required so much from me for so long.....and I was in his front row, and his pocket every minute....my daughter is very independent like myself, and mothering her has been different.....balancing the mother stuff, while allowing her room for her innate autonomy.....and I do my best to balance that well......Gabe really has come to rely on me in a different way in this chapter.....he has always relied heavily on me for his basic needs, and for so many things......and still does to some degree....but he too has found some independence, which makes me proud.....but I am still HIS person.....the one he seeks to be around, and he gets uncomfortable if I am not around, or he can't be with me....and in our new lives he has sought my presence to help him regain stability after his dad left too.....that has really had a profound impact on him.....and when he talks about it with me, he is so articulate and profound about the pieces that have stuck with him.....he feels disappointment.....judgement some......loss......confusion.....sadness.....so much.....and now as he becomes a man and his senior year is coming up on completion.....so hard to believe....it went so fast.....he has kind of moved on from it all in a strange way.....not feeling as compelled to see his dad like he once did......a disconnect happening for him, or a resignation.....or some shift....and I am still encouraging him to go and see him, even though he can decide because he is 18......I think he needs to have his dad in his life ....and when I raced to his track meet after work yesterday, and got there and saw him light up it really touched my heart....he was excitedly introducing me to his friends with such pride and love.......guys this is my mom.....and to one of them he actually said isn't she great lol:) If you know Gabe that is so him......he is good for the self esteem :) Being loved by him, and respected by him in this last chapter we have walked through has been a blessing in my life......I had a tree come down some over the weekend, and hang in the road.....and I took the saw out, and cut it and removed it.....and when he came home from his dad's house, he noticed, and asked me about it.....and was so complimentary and encouraging and impressed by my getting rid of it lol:).....he critiques my lawn work, my snow removal.....all of it:) He keeps me in line......But the love he holds for me is profound and legit.....and a gift to my life, and I am grateful for it.....He encourages me to keep going and do the next thing:) Just a beautiful human through and through.....and yesterday really touched my heart.....and was worth the scramble to get there as soon as I could......He tells me all the time thank you for coming to his things, and for supporting him, I got you kid.....I pledged my life to him that day in the NICU 18 years ago.....and I meant it with my whole heart.....I will always be right there for him......So proud of and grateful for my boy.......xoxo