Grieving the living is hard.....when I was younger I only experienced, or believed that we grieve when somebody dies.....but I have found that that is not true......grieving the living may be harder......reconciling the severing of the relationship, or a disconnect so abrupt and different that there is no way back......I met with one of my former coaching clients Friday night, and she and I have become friends now.....and we both talked about the grief that remains from our shattered marriages, and grieving the loss of the person we thought we knew....and her situation is not quite the same as mine......her ex does not treat her poorly in the aftermath.....they can talk etc.....but he is for sure not the same person as he was, or the person she thought.....and for me the night he left was a death......he died in a sense when he walked out our door......I have not seen that person since.......and that has been really disorienting for me......a part that I don't talk about much but for sure has been the biggest hurdle to get over.......the shock and awe still swirling.....and most days I am not in touch with it at all....it just is.......but then there it is......this heavy and incredible awe......just filling up the room.....and it will hit me like a ton of bricks.....reconciling the grief amid the living.....so how do we grieve the living?? It is a curious topic that isn't talked about much......death is permanent, and eventually fades some into the background of our lives.....but when you grieve the living, especially a person you still have to deal with, it becomes trickier......and maybe what it is for me is how much I hate the night he left.....the ugly space our 20 year relationship was left in.......all wrong in my opinion, the entire night.....and then nothingness.....no conversation.....no closure, just a giant elephant.......but I have learned to grieve it......I don't attach to it anymore.......I don't allow what happens to get in, and touch me the same way......and I have turned my focus to the kids and I and that is what has helped so much......and as I write this I guess you grieve the living by focusing on YOUR OWN LIVING.......realizing there will always be some hurt.....as we are humans.....and we collect wounds along the way.....but the healing comes in releasing what we think something should be.....and live in what it is.......he died the night he left, and the mirage I had believed in vanished that night too......and I have spent the nearly 4 years after grieving and reconciling that, and rebuilding my life......and now I have come to terms with all of it, and just let it be.....accepting the end of my marriage story as it is.......and using my energy to focus on the story that unfolded in the aftermath:) That is THE story......the one that matters now, and will always matter to me.......and I suppose again that is how we grieve the living....by living WELL.........Happy Sunday! Enjoy the day:)
jperuso
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