The price I pay for it....

I had a major aha moment this morning.....as I was making coffee that may help me understand myself better, but also the people closest to me too......when you have had the peace in your life disrupted so intensely.....which is what I faced from around 2018 to 2020, and on and off all of my life, you protect it fiercely....and if you feel anything that starts to affect that you cut it from your life.....no matter who it is. And that is hard for others to understand that haven't lived in a space of such discomfort and disruption.....and that realization came to me this morning, as I have a situation that it applies to.....and some people don't understand my desire to protect my peace at all costs.....and I suppose it may be a trauma response......from all I went through.....but beyond that, I do believe we have the right to have peace in our lives, and have people that bring peace to our lives....that is my new barometer......I sought peace all of my life......and never have had true and sustained peace until now.....a peace that I created......for myself and my kids......our home is a sanctuary of peace.....not turmoil.....and it may in fact be the greatest gift I have been able to give to them, while I am giving it to me too......and after everything I went through, I am very clear on what I will, and won't go through again in any of my relationships....romantic, friend, family all of it......and you pay a price when you make a stand for peace.....you do.....it comes with a lot of pruning.....and that peace has become what I use to measure how my life feels.....as I am faced with situations, or living life and experiencing it all, I ask myself if it contributing to my peace, or detracting from it....and what do I need to do as a result.....and when I think of how many years I lived without consistent peace in my life, it makes me sad.....and I worked so hard to try and maintain the peace.....always taking on the role as the peacekeeper, and knowing how important it was to me, and yet it eluded me....you cannot be peaceful alone within relationships, and expect your peace to transfer....you can't give it to other people.....it has to be their own.....and I look for others that have it, and can impart it too.....but it is never up for sale....and I guess I say all of this again, and highlight the peace piece, because I am feeling misunderstood some in a situation that is close to home, and I am planning on having some communication surrounding it.....and I am hoping saying this part, about how important peace is for me based on all I have endured, will shed some better light on the reason why I have taken such a hard line on it all....and made my boundary so clear no matter what.....so it will remain to be seen how much understanding can be reached....and I truly hope it can be.....that is my desire.....but I am prepared if that is not the case, and prepared to protect my peace, at all costs.....the price I paid for it was too high for anything less......Happy Sunday! :)