The ugly part.....

My kids got to see their dad this weekend....and they were happy to.......my daughter particularly reveling in the time she gets to spend with him......but unfortunately my daughter came home upset last night.....really upset about a dynamic at play in his life, not as a result of him directly.....and one that is so absurd, like no words....something that I have a hard time wrapping my head around.....and this dynamic has played out many times....each time as I become aware of different pieces at play, it leaves me absolutely shaking my head that it can be real.....and that he is living within that dynamic.....wondering how it has lasted so long.......but that part not being my business, but the part that is my business is the part that involves my daughter.....and she is so astute.....and the stuff she says is spot on.....she gets it all, even at her young age......and well......and what she shared last night, left me shaking my head....for so many reasons......and leaving me thinking what I need to do on her behalf....but choosing to give it some time.....and seeing some more what comes, and what inclination comes to help me figure that out......and I will.....I always figure that part out....but this part of my life and hers.....is the ugly part....the part that is the thorn on the branch of our roses.....and it is something we must deal with for now....and she must deal with if she wants to see her dad......but it is tiring....and totally unnecessary....and I talked to Mads about it last night.....calming her down, listening to her big feelings, holding her as she cried.....and trying to gently help her put perspective to it all.....and she remarked about the beautiful life she has, and the wonderful experiences she has mostly.....except for this part........she said everybody thinks I have this great life mom but they don't know I have to deal with this part.....and I said Mads I get that I really do.....but everybody has a part of their life that challenges them......nobody has a perfect life....and we can only try and face it the best we can....but your feelings about it are 100% valid......and sometimes I wish her dad could hear what she says, maybe that would bring some clarity to him......I know it must be hard for him to really see it all too because when you are immersed in something and living it all of the time, clarity can be lost.......but also within me it makes me feel so angry for her that she has to deal with such nonsense.....unnecessary nonsense......it sounds as if her dad is doing the best things related to the nonsense, and in support of Mads but still....it is affecting our child.....so when this stuff arises, and this dynamic rears its ugly head, I can only breathe through it, and try and have my daughter work through her big feelings about it....and I am watching her lack of respect for it all growing.....she is furious some lately when she sees what she does, and deals with what she does.....and she realizes so much more than the people involved think she does......and it makes me sad for everybody really....so yea the ugly part of all of this.....it is real.....and right there.....and in some ways not much we can do about it in some ways.....and specifically what she shared last night needs some action of some sort.....a gentle action....it is never my intent to interfere in places that are not mine to interfere in, only related to my girl......my impressionable little girl, that is learning a whole bunch of stuff I wish she wasn't......that is true and that is the powerless part of divorce.....you can be so careful, and try and raise your children a certain way, with certain influences, and then.........that care and concern can be subject to other influences.....and for the sake of my sanity and peace I have surrendered to so much.....discerning when and where I need to get involved.....but it doesn't make it hurt any less when I watch my daughter suffer....and my fervent prayer for her is that this time in her life shapes her future in a positive way.....and that the good stuff in her life outweighs the ugly part.....just streaming light all over it, and balancing it in a way that the other part will give her an insight into the places she doesn't want to be when she grows up.....that is all I can hope.....we all have ugly parts of our lives......that is true......and I think learning to embrace those parts amid the rest is crucial.....not being embarrassed of them or shying away from them....owning them and growing from them and accepting them.......it is the only way.....amen....