The unnatural parts......

There are a lot of parts of divorce that are unnatural....and places you cannot do a thing about.....and I have expressed this piece and will again to clarify.....there is not one part of me that would want to put my marriage back together.....not one.....even if it were possible somehow....it was meant to break....and I needed to be free from it......but that doesn't make certain truths any less true.....and this weekend as I was spending every moment soaking up all of it with my kids....in anticipation of losing them some next weekend, the unnatural parts hit me....I would never choose to not see my kids....in my old life I rarely got a babysitter, or time away from the active parts of mothering....and it likely wasn't right to not be a little more intentional about doing that more often.....making our time away from the kids a more regular thing....I now believe that is important too.......but being a mother is my primary role now....alongside naviagating my new existence, and if I had my way they would always be with ME......I am sacrificing some days and time with them because of things I did not choose....so I have done my best to reframe that reality, and choose to use the time they are with their dad with intention....and use it for whatever I need at the time.....next weekend I will use it to finish getting Christmas pulled together.....and I will be grateful for the time I have to do that before they come home......but there are many unnatural parts and a lot of them my children have to carry.....they don't want to split their time either.....they want their mom and dad to be under one roof......doing the mom and dad stuff.....they don't want to share holidays...and time....and all of it....and they express that to me often.....and I am so sorry they have to....I cannot really express that enough.....how sorry I am that this was the way our story ended for them.....and that this was not our intention at all when we set out....that word again...intention....it was never our intention to live this version of things in this life.....and now I understand so much better than I did, the reasons why it has to be this way....and that this way is the better way for us all.....in the long run.....it really is.....but it doesn't make it any less unnatural....my new relationship with him may be the most unnatural of all.... the barricade he has built around himself.....cutting off his human, and not relating to me in any way....even in small talk or acknowledement.....unnatural.......and the ways I have to navigate it all and problem solve my way around the barricade, to make it work for my kids.....and the ways I need to feel on the other side of being treated as if I am invisible.....and as I have said I have adjusted and most days it doesn't bother me anymore....I am used to it....and I keep the peace for my kid's sake.....reserving my ability to let him know exactly how I feel about it all, and causing a big drama none of us need.....and the truth is isn't even worth it.....he is on his journey.....living his truth and so am I.......but being divorced is by far the most foreign part of my life....the least authentic......the part that challenges me and forces me to grow....to surrender....to accept.....to acquiesce endlessly......and I do......I really do.....but to those of you navigating it all, I see you....I feel you.......I see your unnatural.....especially as the holidays approach.....and I empathize with it all....having deep compassion for it, for you and me! Go slay your Monday;-)