The worst one of them all......

As I close doors on the past, and heal from what has found me, stepping into my new era, so much is becoming so clear to me......and it occurred to me the other day that ironically the three big loves of my life, to this point........ have been with the SAME man.....even though each time I thought they were not the same at all....and if I showed you pictures....or gave you characteristics, they were really vastly different in all the ways......except they all had an inherent piece......one they kept hidden....and one that ultimately was the thing that wounded me in the end of my time with them....and I do not think I was consciously looking for different, or seeking to have it be....but I definitely think my subconscious had her eyes peeled, seeking a sign that she could feel safe.....and really we don't plan love right? Each time my not knowing when it would touch down again for me.....just living my life, and there it was.....and I remember one of the times my ex husband's betrayal came to light.....we were sitting in the moonlight on the deck....moving our conversation away from our children as they slept soundly in their beds, not knowing their lives were about to come crumbling down....and as he sat there, my mind flashed, and I saw my first ex boyfriend.....his body shape, his mannerisms......all of it....right there......which again was impossible in a real sense....they looked and were built completely opposite....but yet.....there it was....my mind making the connection........and I have had dreams where they all morph together, my mind confirming what I am recognizing as I am awake....but this last situation was the worst of them all.....with the least impact on me ironically.....strange huh?? My evolution protecting me from the deepest wound, a deep understanding and clarity finding me and working as a force field to protect me from what could have been my deepest betrayal yet.....and this time this person KNEW......knew all I had walked through......had very deep and honest conversations for hours and years about EVERYTHING.....knew all of my history....all of what lies within my heart, and soul, and I knew all of that about him too.....spending hours talking about our mutual wounds, and the clarity surrounding them, only to have him do the same thing to me that we talked about......and hiding that one part.....the part he claimed no longer existed in him.....using his faith as a shield to hide it from me....claiming it got eradicated within his spiritual life.....all a lie......so many lies it is actually hard to comprehend fully......and my spending the last couple of years building a life, and a relationship with him.....deep friendship, all of it, and it is the friendship piece that gets me when I think of it............only to turn out to be exactly like the other two....only worse....I do not believe my first two loves, had a conscious awareness of what they were doing....certainly not manipulating or exploiting wounds....they just got caught up in their own needs and story, and maybe brokenness some....but this time there was an intention, sort of like the difference between manslaughter, and involuntary manslaughter, and I do not say that lightly or dramatically, but as a fact.......and it is really challenging sometimes to reconcile.....that this man....one I felt was my best friend more than anything....somebody I had wild fun with, over the phone, and such a blast when we finally hung out, was capable of such deep deception.....and I suppose the why.....is always the thing when this happens to you......you wonder how somebody could be like that....like what is wrong with you?? Why would you do something so horrid to somebody that loves you?? Deception and betrayal being the toughest pills to swallow....and the irony of how many times in this life I have had to face that, and swallow it, even beyond these three loves...is not lost on me....especially with the added twist of my fierce loyalty....not betraying my people.....your secrets and anything you confide in me being safe with me.....and you don't have to guess where I am when I say I got your back, because turn around, and I will be there....EVERY single damn time.......and yet.....I have experienced SOOOOO much deep betrayal....interesting huh?? It is to me.........And if we don't examine our patterns....we can't fix them.....and I believe that with my all of my tender heart.....I also believe this last time, was the LAST time.....he was the worst of them all.....hiding his wolf under sheep's clothing......and taking all of my confidence in him for granted and exploiting me......and he was the final test in this life to break the repeat in this cycle.......finally passing my final exam for good.......and maybe as I type all of this, the part that is so damn hard.....is that all of these were MY love stories too.....such a sacred part of our journeys.....ones we want to lock away, when they are over, in a pretty box.....so we can gaze upon them from time to time, nostalgia having her say.....but in each case that part was ruined......having each story left in this ugly and horrific light.....all this ick......the only impression that will be there forever.....snuffing out the rest....and gosh that seems wildly unfair.....because these were my stories too.....tainted love....in all of the ways.....and as this final shift has taken place within me....I feel quite certain that my point of attraction is not the same....I do not think I will be attracting a 4th major love of my life with this piece hidden away.....I trust that so fully.....I have done the work of really changing, and growing, and showing up as a different woman.....one that fiercely loves herself.....carrying deep self confidence, and strength to the depths of her soul.....and one that has learned each time, when she was shown a lack of love, to double down and love herself harder.....and I give none of them the credit for that....that love lived inside of me.....and I have learned to give myself the love that was treated so selfishly, and the results in my life have been magnificent......and well......that is the way, my loves....if you are reading this.....feeling like any of this resonates......love YOU girl, hard and with a fierceness.......and with all your soul......and THAT is the way back home......I promise:) YOU GOT THIS xoxox