This is the last time......

I had a giant epiphany the other day, epiphany absolutely tops the list of my favorite words....what a word, but also the meaning, my favorite:) Sometimes we come face to face with the last time.....the last time we need to face something in our life......intuitively feeling that......learning the lesson, paying the karmic debt.....whatever we want to call it.....sometimes we become another person's karma....or play out our own.....I believe that.....and it is never less compelling to me how we get ensnared in our patterns....whether we want to or not..... being lulled into them.....like the snake in the Jungle Book....lol:) All eye spinning and stuff.....;-) And it takes an unbelievable level of consciousness to fight those patterns, the ones that run so so deep......and we set off on journeys, and somehow end up at the same spot......I will share an example.....my high school boyfriend.....first love, all of it....he and I had a longstanding relationship on and of for many years.....even talked marriage....were quasi engaged.....and he cheated on me....at certain points along the way and in the end.....and I ended it.......which as I remember that, I am proud of myself for doing it....but meeting up with my now ex husband, helped in the courage to do that......he and I had dated when we were young, and then reconnected 8 years later at the time all of that was happening.....and that instant connection gave me the courage to walk away......and realize that I no longer belonged with my high school boyfriend....and I would not recommend jumping into another relationship, so soon after the other one ended....never.........however it was not what I had planned, it was divinely placed.....I believe that....because I was meant to marry him, have MY children with him, my hearts and my soul:) But still.....however my point to all of that is THIS.....my ex husband and my first boyfriend....in my mind, could not be more DIFFERENT......and likely if you met them, you would agree, they were SO different, in nearly every way, and at the time my thinking was that I had chosen better this time, or different, or in a way that would protect me from the same fateful outcome....and well.....we know that somehow I ended up at the same outcome......again......right back where I began........and that happens in life....we run in circles.....wanting and hoping for a different result but sometimes finding ourselves there, or another lesson in a person.....and so it became clear to me some that I think that particular lesson is done for me in this life.....I am equipped in a different way now, a way that comes bearing clarity......not so much about the type of man I am no longer going to entertain....because it has less to do with that, and more to do with my own internal stuff that needed an overhaul, my knowing that what I put out and heal will be what comes back to me.....believing in a worthiness and holding the line on that.....no matter what....and somehow we need to do better somehow...there are an awful lot of women like me.....that have battled their own worth all of their lives, and suffered for it....it is my number one goal with my own daughter....to help her avoid all I have endured.....truly.....and I am not looking back.....what is done is done.....I can only proceed from here, at 49......finally understanding the stuff that younger me didn't....and it is a dance between closing yourself off, or not giving grace and chances to people, ridiculous expectations, and holding the standard to which you need to be loved.....a delicate dance indeed.....but one worth dancing methinks.....so the last time, can really be the last time:) Amen.......Happy Sunday