Waiting to exhale.....and I was wrong.....

This morning finds me taking a big deep breath in and slowly letting it out.......and settling into summer fully......if you have had a senior then you know......the deadlines, the dates on the calendar, the getting of everything you need, it is a lot on top of life:).....and now AHHHHHHHHHHH lol:) I can deeply breathe, and fully embrace summer.......Mads has another two weeks of school, which is a bummer....but I will focus on my house stuff and making our appointments, and when she is done the adventure begins! And last night was amazing....just spectacular....the weather was way better than I imagined.....not even too hot.......and it turns out I was all wrong yesterday....about my anticipation of last night.....I felt nothing.....in terms of their dad.....or any of that part....we have fully become strangers....and well that is arriving as full healing in my mind.....perhaps complete.....I could see them interacting with Gabe at the end for a little bit, and it was like watching strangers with my boy.....no connection to it at all in an emotional way.....and that feels pretty amazing.....I mean my love for my ex or my romantic ties have long died......for years now......but there is the tether of our children and that can feel weird sometimes.....but I just felt nothing.....I mean awkwardness remains....which is weird....to become so awkward with a person you once were so comfortable with......but that is the way it is.....so it was an amazing night and Gabe had a blast and it was just perfect....his graduating class being full of such amazing kids.....doing amazing things.....he really hit the jackpot........and the weather held....we had sort of drug our feet all day thinking they would cancel.....the weather report being so foreboding, but then we realized it was going to be on and had to kick it into high gear lol:) But we made it....and got a great seat....and it was filled with joy.....I got emotional when they called his name, and the kids all cheered so loudly for him, and watching how proud he was getting that diploma:)....such a special moment.......and I suppose a surreal nature has taken over my life...like standing by my family waiting for the kids to be with their dad and his girlfriend, a few feet away is surreal....that is true lol:) and the surreal part isn't that fact, it is that we don't speak or interact......like bizarre in every way....or that he doesn't come and speak to my parents....all of it.....but it just is.....and I was glad to have been where I am.....not feeling anymore grief about the loss of our bond to our child....my bond is mine now fully....as if I gave birth to them on my own....which again surreal but true.....and necessary I think......so now I can fully embrace being off....having been reminded that what we think will happen vs what will is often not the same thing......some things work better than we imagine....and we should not attach our conjecture to it at all....staying open to whatever comes, and whatever it is:) And I went into last night with that attitude and it paid off.....this morning finds me feeling so very grateful to Gabe's senior class, and how amazing they have been to him.....and how amazing every bit of his school career has been....and we are waving goodbye to one chapter and beginning a new one:)