Walking through the Funhouse...........

As I walk through the ruins of my marriage and try and sort through the rubble.....I am struck with how much it feels like an abandoned Funhouse......so much of it feels like smoke and mirrors as I learn more and more about the man I was married to.....not the early marriage part but most definitely the recent marriage part.....and it is still mind blowing to learn what I am learning.....to think what lies beneath in the people we trust and love.....what they are capable of....what plagues their souls and in turn affects those that are around them and love them most in the most profound and painful ways.....if I live to be a 100 I will never understand what has happened during the beginning of 2021, never be able to sit down and tell the story clearly.....having all the facts and all the pieces to share.....I have a good idea and some sound theories but the true essence and root of the cause is elusive at best........this is tough for me....a big mountain to climb.......I am a person that needs facts.....a person that needs explanations....clean lines.....wrapped up ends.....and the reality remains that I may never have that.....one of my most significant relationships of my life may forever hang in the open space of the universe....tattered and waving in the wind with no closure or sense made of it, not ever.......it is the "work" I have to do in this life....to come to peace with that....embrace it and move on with or without that.....so as I wander through the funhouse of my marriage and I look into the wavy mirrors and walk on the wobbly bridges, drown in the silence........ I wonder if the reflection I see is one I can trust, is the memory the way that I experienced it......or was it just an illusion.....a distorted reflection...........but then I am reminded it was from me.......each and every moment in my marriage I was authentic....I was me....I was offering love, grace, forgiveness, and compassion to another......and so the funhouse and its illusions don't need to matter so much.....because I can trust what I was bringing to the table and the experience I was having because I was coming from a place of REAL, a place of TRUTH, a place of LOVE.....so it doesn't matter the rest.......really.......if somebody else was choosing to meet me in a different space that doesn't need to diminish my reality or what I knew to be true in my heart......I remain aware that the lessons that are finding me are ones I need to learn.....to learn to live with....to learn to overcome so I can be the best version of myself in this life.....I am committed to doing just that.......