Well that was pathetic!......

I am not the person I was 7 years.....that is true......the moment I found out about my ex having an affair my life changed dramatically, and I had to adapt to that circumstance squeezing me, and adapt to it, and figure out what to do with it....and again most women say they wouldn't tolerate that, but you really don't know what you would do till you are faced with it, and your family is on the line.....and there were events that came from that.....that had me travel to this moment.....sitting in my chair.....and typing this blog.....and when I was coming home last night, I saw this fountain, not too far from our house.....it was lit up and really pronounced last night.....and my ex had really liked that fountain, commenting on it often, wishing we had one.....and I had wanted to surprise him with one.....in our yard.....I had a cool spot for it.....but I had hatched that plan after the first attack on our marriage had happened.....after that first fall out and getting sucker punched by his infidelity.....and there was some disgust and disdain in my remembering that last night......like why on earth would I want to go to all those lengths to do more for him, amid all of that?????......when none of that was happening for me.....nobody was hatching any grand romantic gestures for me then amid the horror of what was unfolding.....and I would like to tell you that fountain story is rare, the only time I have ever done that or thought about such things.....but that would not be true either......that has been my life.....loving harder when love wasn't being served, hoping that it would turn the tides.....make the person love me well.....like maybe if I do things, and behave in the ways that I want to be loved, they will understand, and meet me there, match it......my desire to make them feel happy by doing something I know they will love taking over it all.....and well.....there is a deep sadness in that.....in the woman I was.....and continue to try and evolve from......and I do not think I will ever be capable of not being like that to some degree......hatching fun ways to connect, and delight somebody if I can.....visual representations of my love.......and I am a romance person, and romantic by nature........but the difference now is that I require that too! That is a non negotiable.......I want the love I seek now, and want to be treated so well.....having somebody delight in delighting me too:) Caring about what I want and need.....all of it......now having said all of that...I say non of that to exonerate my role in our marriage either......I know the mistakes I made......and amid my desperately wanting to save us, I had become a person I did not recognize, and likely wasn't easy to be around.....I was anxious.....angry amid the affair, and its ramifications, just not me at all....and hadn't been for quite sometime.....but I tried.....I tried to keep a positive attitude amid what I knew....and speak life into him, and myself, and our marriage.....believing in the possibility of reconciliation.....and redemption.......but the woman that is here today.....shook her head at that fountain last night......thinking how ridiculous it was that I thought he deserved to have that amid the treatment I was receiving.....and if I am honest it felt pathetic to me.....and I have come to understand, that is OK.....when those places surface.....it is a place where I need to extend grace to myself.....realizing the place and patterns that have kept me stuck in places and relationships I don't want to be in.....I have most definitely attracted men and energy that is not reciprocal......my doing the heavy emotional lifting, the actions in the relationship, wishing and hoping they would too....and that isn't how it works.....I know that so deeply now.....so yea, the fountain......a small thing that made me remember......and I want to attract a man that would want to put a fountain in for me, if that was my heart's desire;-) Seeking to do lovely things to make me smile too......on repeat........Amen:) Happy Saturday!:)