Worthiness......

This word has maybe been a central part, the cornerstone of the love I have had in my life.....in many forms....in different ways......but the central piece of it being centered around romantic love.....and I lacked a feeling of worthiness for a long time.......and when I look back I wince some at some of what I tolerated as a result of that.......and I suppose it is so easy to impart to our children, even if we don't want to, a lack of worthiness......and it is the root of so much suffering.....and it is my life's mission that my daughter....despite her history...will not repeat the struggles I have with worthiness......I will do everything in my power to help her live a different narrative in love....and I hope the strength and awareness I see in her at such a young age, will translate into all that fierce and great stuff as she ages....attracting a guy that will love, respect, and appreciate her fiercely......something that has evaded me to some degree to date.....I have gotten close to so many things in love.....having some delightful parts....some amazing parts......magical and deep even.....but there has been a piece of it that has not spoken to my worthiness.....not appreciated.....not treasured......not fully respected....not regarded, not protected.......and not held in the same space as I held the relationship.....and when I see the version of love that I seek in motion, it touches me....deeply....when you haven't been loved well, and in a healthy way in love you don't know the difference sometimes.....and you begin to allow stuff that is not OK.....and then more comes in....and well pretty soon.......so I am most definitely in my worthy era now.....and the reason I highlight this life struggle o' mine again;-) is that this last full moon, this gorgeous strawberry moon......highlighted exactly what I needed to see fully.....in a way that I hadn't seen it before.......and spoke such deep truth to me.......truth I needed to hear and frankly truth I needed to tell myself....we can fall into telling ourselves stuff that isn't true....making excuses.....or spinning narratives to land more softly....and well......that doesn't serve anybody....and the truth of it all will most definitely set you free....so perhaps my life has led me to this place....THIS one.....the place where I finally SEE it all more clearly....and along the way my vision has been correcting....bit by bit....but still having blindspots hold me back......and the longer I entertain stuff that isn't meant for me the longer I delay what is.....I also believe that....many versions of reality we can all live as we travel, based on our free will.....so it is time to embrace fully my worthiness finally......to step into it, and zip it up, and allow it to fully become a part of me....instead of toying with it anymore....and I not only owe it to myself to hold out for THE ONE in this life.....the one that comes bearing that same spirit....but I owe it to my daughter to have her see her mother being loved well, and with deep regard and respect.....it is what drives all of my actions....I do not take that lightly......at all.....and I am hoping that since most of her life has been watching me love myself better, she was only 4 when her dad left.....that that will be the pervasive narrative in her life....knowing that her mom was discerning in love after her dad left....not accepting having any man come into our lives......and I am hoping before she experiences romantic love herself, she will see a beautiful example of it through me, Amen:) But in the meantime, she will see her mom fiercely loving she and her brother, and herself well each and every day:) Happy to wait for the things I seek now......and enjoying every bit of the ride:) xoxo