You promised.......but you lied.......

My journey has required me to look at trust deeply......having had it violated in the most intense ways......and caused me to ask myself "What makes it possible to trust another person????" Like REALLY..........And I guess I used to think I knew the answer to that question......I used to think spending time getting to know a person deeply would guarantee that they would be honest and trustworthy.....and that isn't true......they can hide a whole part of themselves, or attempt to......I used to think that building deep intimacy with a person.....and going all in in sharing who we were, would guarantee honesty..........but that isn't true either......and certainly not what they "say"......that is the least indication of truth, and here is what I have learned.....this seems to be true......past behaviors will indicate future ones.....period..........if somebody is inherently deceptive, they will do it to you......I am not talking about dumb young teen stuff......I am talking about the patterns they brought into their adulthood......and if the flags exist there, they will remain......now I also deeply believe in redemption.....I really do......I have seen incredible change, and transformation in people in my life......however an inherent spirit of dishonesty.......and lying.......and betrayal.....and all of those things......does not tend to get better, unless REAL work takes place, and it is for sure an indication of deeper demons, that require really intensive things, to change, a brutally honest look at themselves, and real ownership and amends.......and the amount of things I have experienced and witnessed in terms of deliberate deception, is hard to believe some days.......truly......almost like it was a dream.......couldn't possibly be real.......and I can feel deception now.....no question.....and have proven that to myself in this chapter......but what always challenges me and makes me susceptible to people that lie, is that I believe what people say.....I say what I mean, and am inherently honest and transparent, maybe to a fault......and so I have this blind spot, and assumption that what somebody is saying to me is their truth.....and I don't move in this life with suspicion.......that is too heavy to carry.....and it isn't in me besides......and maybe that is it right there......for sanity purposes, and forever and ever I still have to move that way.....until.........I am proven otherwise, and feel the deception come in........and despite having been betrayed in the deepest of ways....and the deepest, and most vulnerable places in me, I still trust MYSELF.......I still know now that I can feel deception....and after my last experience that has only sharpened......I felt that much sooner, many times......and love kept me stuck.....and the attachment to potential and possibility......and the friendship we had built......but the sensing of it was there......all along......and certainly at the end when I backed way up......there are signs that arrive.......distance.....deflection........defensiveness......all needed to cover up the crimes.......the person shifts so fully, that you begin to not recognize them anymore.......so I say all of this to say that part of my grief has existed in the place where the people I have loved most, told me and promised me that they wouldn't do what had been previously done to me, wouldn't betray me, and then they did the EXACT same thing again.......and I am not sure what a person is supposed to do with that, except heal it.....and work toward that healing.....and healing it is no easy feat in that space......oooffff......if you have ever been deeply betrayed then you know......I still stand on the fact that it is one of the worst things you can do to another person, hands down, because it has so many layers......and ways the wound materializes....but I can say this.......my betrayal days are done.....I have closed the door on THAT lesson in this life......and the key was changing ME......becoming a woman who finally understands her worth.....and has true boundaries, and an understanding of what I deserve....becoming a woman incapable of being betrayed finally, doing the work to make that so, and I thought I was there after my ex husband left but had more to learn......and the shift has been profound.....and now when I look back some, even in the last couple of years, I truly cannot believe I tolerated what I did......there is no way I would now......and this time I mean it......it is pointless to sacrifice your self worth, and respect to attempt to hang onto something that doesn't honor those things.....the price is too high, and being alone is much preferred over all of that......nobody is worth that kind of energy......And I know that I had to travel deep into betrayal to become this version of me....the one that is beginning these workshops for young girls.....because I had to truly believe that I could empower myself finally.....embody the strength and sovereignty in my own life so completely first, no imposter syndrome......just becoming her.....and choosing growth, and pain over my feelings.....and doing the hard thing so I could live the life I was supposed to live.....and ironically I don't think I will have trust issues moving forward......I really didn't in my last situation, despite what my ex husband had done.....my core belief is strong, people need to be free to be them.....and not caged....and I extended my full trust to him, expressing concerns gently from time to time, but giving him the freedom to make his decisions, and he did....making the decision to obliterate my trust.....but I will never spend my life frantically wondering if somebody is being honest.......I will seek honest folks.....and spend time building trust in my future with somebody that moves honestly, my point of attraction completely shifting in this chapter......and I will extend trust always until it is shown that I cannot.....but I will never move from my wounds.....never allow the betrayal I have experienced to ruin my future....never......I STILL believe that people are inherently good, I really do.....and that so much of what they do is from their own wounds......I do not excuse it, but I understand it......and we all have wounds and lessons.....and my lessons have been around betrayal......continually forcing me to walk my way back to not betraying myself.....because that is what betrayal is......it is a betrayal of self......we all betray ourselves on repeat before we are betrayed by others.......and I will rest easy on the love and acts of services I tried to share with those that I loved, I really moved from the most beautiful places in me most of the time......and those things spoke of me......and what was returned to me spoke of them......the content of their character........so yea, you promised me and you lied......the deepest of betrayals perhaps.......but the one that set me FREE:) So I am still grateful.........Happy Friday! We made it:) xoxo